F*ckboy Olympics: And the Gold Medal Goes To…
American women absolutely dominated in Rio. And back home in the U.S., we are dominating in many other ways, including swatting away fuckboys like our lives depend on it.
Yes, the real Olympics ended last night, but sadly, the Fuckboy Olympics are ongoing. In fact, they’ll never truly end as long as douchebros are sending mass booty texts to entire sororities at once. But today, we are awarding the gold, silver, and bronze in the art of fuckboyery.
It’s been a wild ride for the past nine weeks.
On Friday, we watched as American entertainer division champ Chris Brown beat top athlete Tiger Woods, and international superstar division winner Justin Bieber triumphed over elder statesman Charlie Sheen.
But this is no time to dwell on the past. It’s time to figure out who’s our official Fuckboy Gold Medalist — Justin Bieber or Chris Brown.
Now, the votes for this match-up were so close, we had to open it up to our readers with a poll.
But before we get to the results, let’s weigh our options on both sides.
Chris Brown is most notorious for his abuse of Rihanna in 2009. That was heinous and criminal, but it stands totally separate from our fuckboy allegations — abuse, assault, and other crimes are not the hallmarks of a fuckboy. As guest judge Melissa Radzimski said, “Chris Brown is too much of a piece of shit to even be a fuckboy.”
Guest judge Mariah Smith agreed, saying, “Chris Brown is so terrible that it’d be too high an honor to be crowned the worst fuckboy.”
But the remainder of our judges and our readers apparently disagreed.
It appears Chris’s activities after the assault are what planted him firmly in the fuckboy camp. Not only did he repeatedly paint himself as the victim of the whole thing — including with the release of a documentary trailer just a few months ago — he also continuously embarrasses and mistreats his girlfriends publicly.
For example, after he and Karrueche Tran broke up, he condescendingly commented on one of her bikini pics, “Thirst trap 101. Continue to be a lady beautiful… You are perfect… Don’t let the thot form from anger.” Could you get more manipulative than that?
Justin Bieber, on the other hand, somehow manages to be with a new girl every few days, especially if she’s a girl with a famous dad and no real job or commitments. He clearly knows how to finesse girls on a Leonardo DiCaprio-esque level.
But his true fuckboy credentials come from his endless baiting of ex Selena Gomez on Instagram. He’s got that perfect fuckboy “who, me?” smirk on lock. And his music is just catchy and poppy enough to help him maintain a good-boy image despite his many dastardly deeds.
Pop culture writer Maria Pasquini voted Bieber, saying, “He embodies the quintessential fuckboy spirit, even though Chris Brown is a significantly more grotesque human being.”
And his personal style also speaks volumes. There’s a reason why he’s been the poster boy of the Fuckboy Olympics since week one.
Still, after going back and forth for several days (I’m not exaggerating), we ended up with 51% in favor of Chris Brown and 49% going for Justin Bieber after about 115 people voted.
That means Chris Brown is our gold-medal fuckboy. Justin gets the silver, and — no surprise here — our judges almost unanimously voted for Charlie Sheen to get the bronze.
Last but not least, we are also awarding a special fourth medal in our Fuckboy Olympics.
You might have read about the Pierre de Coubertin medal that’s awarded in special circumstances when Olympic athletes demonstrate great sportsmanship. Well, this Fuckboy Olympics, we had no choice but to give our own fourth medal to Ryan Lochte.
When we first decided who’d be part of the Fuckboy Olympics, Ryan Lochte didn’t even make the cut. We deemed him too much of a wannabe fuckboy, with no actual credentials to back up his douchenozzle swagger. Like, he’s never even banged a nanny or been publicly linked to a reality star.
But during the actual Olympics this year, Ryan Lochte went above and beyond to prove his dedication to the art of being a fuckboy, while simultaneously having no game at all and dating zero women.
Not only did he dye his hair silver in an effort to be cool only to see it turn green because of the chlorine (which anyone with a brain could have predicted), he sparked an international incident by trying to sound cool.
It started when Lochte and his bros allegedly got hammered, stumbled upon a gas station, thought, “yeah, I could pee,” broke down the door of a locked bathroom instead of politely asking if somebody could open the door, got into a fight with the security guards at the gas station, and then tried to pay off the guards with cash to not talk about what just went down with the press/pay for damages.
Then Lochte’s mom asked what happened and he told her they got held up at gunpoint. She somehow relayed that story with the press and instead of setting the record straight, this real-life Jeff Spicoli went with it, telling some insane story about how someone put a gun in his face and he said “whatever.”
As guest judge Melissa put it:
Ryan Lochte is that bro from high school that you wanted to hook up with but hated every aspect about his personality (and he also worked part-time at Hollister). You knew he was a good swimmer, but that didn’t really MATTER to you, you just wanted to say you were there before [insert annoying girl from calculus class who will be pregnant in two years and will work at a physical therapy office for the rest of her life]. I truly can’t think of anything more privileged than going to another country and pretending to be robbed just so you can get an extra 15 mins of airtime on CNN. And his silver hair looked like shit!
So yeah, Lochte started an international incident by trying to sound cool to his mom. Honestly, you don’t get much more wannabe fuckboy than that, and that’s why he’s swum out of the shadows to become our fourth medalist.
See you next year!
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