F*ckboy Olympics Round 1: American Entertainers
The summertime Olympics are kicking off in Rio in just a few short months. But the Fuckboy Olympics? They’re happening worldwide, 24/7, all around us.
So we decided to run our own version of the Olympic Games over the next eight Fridays, with the planet’s preeminent pop culture fuckboys competing for the title of biggest douchenozzle of 2016.
Thirty-two prolific booty texters and asshats have been selected to compete in four divisions: American entertainers, American athletes, international superstars, and elder statesmen. Our panel of Galore judges will select winners each week, advancing until Friday, Aug. 19, when we crown our gold medal winner.
To start, here’s the bracket:
How did we determine who made the list? Well, classifying who is and isn’t a fuckboy isn’t an exact science. A fuckboy is not just a guy who sleeps with a lot of women, but a guy who also manipulates or hoodwinks his conquests. That frat guy on campus who bangs a new girl every night isn’t a fuckboy, even if he’s got a really high number. But the guy who’s putting the moves on several girls simultaneously at the same party, hooking up with them in different rooms, then ghosting them both the next morning as soon as they realize they’ve been had? That’s a fuckboy.
See, a fuckboy’s only bae is himself, and his only talent is screwing girls over. He’s got the perfect IDGAF swag, and few to no emotions — but he’ll pretend he’s in love if it means you’ll let him try anal. In fact, relationship-and-sex-wise, the only thing he doesn’t believe in is “labels.”
So kicking off our Fuckboy Olympiad, we’ve got eight of the fuckboying-est America entertainers facing off to see who will advance to the next round. Enjoy.
Let’s get ready to fuckboy!
1. Chris Brown vs. Wilmer Valderrama
This was a contentious heat. While Chris Brown is clearly a garbage monster, there’s an argument to be made that his technical classification is as an abuser, which is a different thing entirely. Meanwhile, Wilmer Valderrama exhibits many pure fuckboy tendencies, albeit on a much lower level.
Our judges point out that Chris Brown’s dismal treatment of Rihanna, Nia Guzman, and Karrueche Tran really hits the fuckboy trifecta. Plus, he slut-shamed his own two-year-old daughter last month and is currently promoting a documentary that paints him as the victim of his own domestic violence. Savage.
Video producer Victoria Brandt is not convinced Wilmer belongs on this list at all.
“Chris Brown wins for sure,” she said. “He beat up Rihanna, he is trash, all Wilmer did was fake an accent and pretend to get stoned.”
But as Galore’s pop culture queen Maria Pasquini points out, before dating Demi Lovato for 900 years, Wilmer Valderrama publicly “bragged about taking Mandy Moore’s virginity, said the sex with her ‘was good, but it wasn’t like warm apple pie,’ revealed that Ashlee Simpson was a ‘screamer,’ and rated Jennifer Love Hewitt’s sexual prowess on a scale from 1 to 10.”
It’s a tough call for sure — Chris Brown is one of the worst people alive, but Wilmer just has that smarmy shit-talking douche vibe so down pat. You can really imagine Wilmer telling you he likes you and you’re not like other girls just to get in your pants, then “forgetting” to pull out, you know?
Here’s the final vote.
CHRIS BROWN: 8
WILMER VALDERRAMA: 1
WINNER: Chris Brown
2. Leonardo DiCaprio vs. Ben Affleck
Look at those punchable bro-cheeks! These two fuckboys are truly wolves in sheep’s clothing. On the one hand, you have Leo, who has dated literally every single blonde model alive. On the other, you have Ben, who acted like a sweet and innocent family man, only to clandestinely pork the nanny. Who’s worse?
On the side of Leo, sex and dating writer Ashley Uzer points out, “Leo is the ultimate fuckboy because nobody even realizes that he’s a fuckboy. He plays off his model-bopping against his environmentalism to make him seem like he’s a great guy. Not to mention that he’s 41 years old and has never even been engaged. Ben Affleck is certainly a cheater for fucking his housekeeper while married, but at least he took the plunge and got married in the first place.”
And then there’s the fact that Leo is known to vape at every possible opportunity, which intern Keely Quinlan points out is one of the main ingredients in fuckboyism.
And as Victoria points out, “Leo wins because he still steady tryna pull bitches that are so young they think he always was an Oscar winner.”
Last but not least: Galore content manager Amber Asaly has party eyewitness expertise. She points out that whenever she sees Leo out, he’s with a new girl. “I don’t know who that Ben guy is,” she added.
Maria Pasquini, though, swears Ben’s the bigger fuckboy.
“Ever since I heard about the fact that Leo has to put on noise-canceling headphones during sex and just lays there while the girl does all the work, I can’t see him as a fuckboy. He’s just a sad boy. Like, of course he goes through so many women because there’s only so long these hot ass women can stomach him. So that makes it Ben for me. He cheated on his wife with a nanny, and that’s just a fucking cliché at this point. Marriage means something, you know?”
Ben Affleck also used to be so whipped by J. Lo that he was pictured in a music video kissing her literal ass, though, so that kind of brings his fuckboy quotient down.
Also, as graphics and astrology intern Mi Gerer points out, Leo is at least open with his conquests. Nobody thinks he’s a secret nice guy. Plus, “he’s just hot,” which makes him less of a fuckboy and more of a Don Juan.
Here’s the final vote.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: 5
BEN AFFLECK: 4
3. Tyga vs. Future
These hip hop rappin’ fuckboys have a varied list of accomplishments, from dating a minor while also frequently being caught sexting others (Tyga) to having four separate and distinct baby mamas (Future).
Intern Keely votes Tyga, with Future holding a very special place in her heart for being scorned by the beautiful born-again virgin we all know as Ciara: “Although Future is like the epitome of a rapper who takes full advantage of the women that throw themselves at him,” she says, “Tyga is just an asshole. He’s like $10 mil in debt, has a freaky thing for teenagers, and then lied about sexting another teenager while he was dating Kylie Jenner. And he’s not cute? And I personally feel bad for Future because I think he really does still love Ciara.”
Maria also isn’t sold on Future’s fuckboy credentials when stacked up against the musical mind behind “Rack City Bitch.”
“Future may have four different kids with four different women, but whatever; it’s 2016 shit happens,” she says. “Tyga broke up with his baby mama for a 17-year-old!!!!! Then while they were together, he maybe cheated on Kylie, went out partying with models, and ‘gave’ her a car for her birthday with her own fucking money. And then they break up and he still insists on coming to the Met Ball because he wanted to show off his custom Balmain jacket he never would have gotten in the first place if it hadn’t been for Kylie? Fuckboy. Fuckboy. Fuckboy.”
Astrology intern Mi is the one voice of dissent: “Future cheated on Ciara when she’s pregnant. That’s horrible. She’s so hot, how can you do this?”
But still, this one’s barely even a contest.
4. John Mayer vs. Scott Disick
John Mayer has been out of the fuckboy news cycle for a hot minute, but his most notorious fuckboy moment was a Playboy interview in which said his penis was a white supremacist and called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm.” Cool cool.
Scott Disick, meanwhile, is one of the world’s most cherished fuckboys. Seriously, all he does is act like a cad and all of America just keeps lapping it up.
“Literally nobody compares to Scott Disick, who not only cheated on the girlfriend who made him famous NUMEROUS TIMES, but as soon as they broke up, he started dating a 20-year-old model who looks exactly like Kourtney’s 20-year-old sister Kendall,” Maria points out.
Keely, on the other hand, has sympathy for Scott on the grounds of his alleged substance abuse issues.
“John Mayer’s words are what makes him a fuckboy to me, not necessarily his actions,” she says. “Scott has a lot of problems with his mental health and the partying is how he deals with it. So I guess John Mayer wins because he has no reason to be a douche.”
“Fuck John Mayer,” Vic says. “Hate him, he’s trash, he wins the garbage Olympics.”
Mi chimes in re: John Mayer: “For me, he’s like a farmer. I don’t care.”
The final tally:
JOHN MAYER: 3
SCOTT DISICK: 6
Now take a look at our leaderboard for the American Entertainers division, and get super stoked for the last week in July when we have the incredibly delicious faceoffs of Chris Brown vs. Leo and Tyga vs. Scott Disick.
As for next week’s matchup: American athletes.
Next Friday, July 1, we’re really running with the whole Olympic theme. Have any thoughts about which of the fuckboys below should win the title in their respective heats? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Graphics by Mi Gerer