Leonardo DiCaprio Allegedly Vapes and Wears Noise-Canceling Headphones During Sex
I’ve spent my whole life blissfully under the assumption that on the day I finally have sex with Leonardo DiCaprio, should that day ever arise, the whole night will be magical and very “Dear Diary.”
Apparently, it’s not.
Sex with Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t glorious because instead of pounding your pussy like the Oscar-winning actor he is, he lays back, reaches for his vape, puts on a pair of noise-canceling headphones, and let’s you do all the work for him.
In today’s edition of “This Week In Tabloids,” Bobby Finger’s hilarious chronicle of the trashiest tabloid stories he can find, he recounts a Leo story that seems too out there to be true, but probably isn’t because he, himself heard a version of the same story last year.
“Allow me to preface this beautiful piece of celebrity gossip by saying I heard a less-detailed version of it perhaps a year ago from a friend who claimed to know someone who claimed to know someone who fucked Leonardo DiCaprio. According to her (or so the story goes), Leo completed the act while wearing…headphones.”
Naturally then, when he came across the headline, “Oh, No! Ex-Lover Tells All Leo’s Awful In Bed” in OK! magazine he thought to himself, “OK, there’s no way it can be about the same rumor.”
Only as soon as he opened the magazine and began reading the story, he realized that it was.
What began as a celebratory tale from one of Leo’s “recent conquests” turned into a grand tragedy where according to her, while they were fucking, Leo “reached for his vaporizer and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, laid back and closed his eyes and signaled for her to keep going.”
And according to that girl, do you want to know what song he was listening to while he vaped and she rode his cock?
“Electric Feel” by MGMT.
You know, that song you liked to do drugs to in 2008.
Oh well, at least now we all know why Rihanna and Leo are just friends.