F*ckboy Olympics Round 2: American Athletes
The summer Olympics are kicking off in Rio in just a few short months. But the Fuckboy Olympics? They’re happening worldwide, 24/7, all around us.
So we decided to run our own version of the Olympic Games over the next seven Fridays, with the planet’s preeminent pop culture fuckboys competing for the title of biggest douchenozzle of 2016.
Thirty-two prolific booty texters and asshats have been selected to compete in four divisions: American entertainers (who faced off last week), American athletes, international superstars, and elder statesmen. Our panel of Galore judges will select winners each week, advancing until Friday, Aug. 19, when we crown our gold medal winner.
Classifying who is and isn’t a fuckboy isn’t an exact science. A fuckboy is not just a guy who sleeps with a lot of women, but a guy who also manipulates or hoodwinks his conquests. That frat guy on campus who bangs a new girl every night isn’t a fuckboy, even if he’s got a really high number. But the guy who’s putting the moves on several girls simultaneously at the same party, hooking up with them in different rooms, then ghosting them both the next morning as soon as they realize they’ve been had? That’s a fuckboy.
See, a fuckboy’s only bae is himself, and his only talent is screwing girls over. He’s got the perfect IDGAF swag, and few to no emotions — but he’ll pretend he’s in love if it means you’ll let him try anal.
So kicking off our second week of the Fuckboy Olympiad, we’ve got eight of the fuckboying-est America athletes facing off to see who will advance to the next round. Enjoy.
Let’s get ready to fuckboy!
1. Nick Young vs. Tiger Woods
These two athletic fuckboys couldn’t be more different.
Tiger Woods’ main crime is cheating on a his gorgeous wife with an endless parade of call girls. Seeming like your typical friendly and boring golfer from the get-go, he slithered into the hearts of the American public, only to take a giant shit on our dreams by proving once and for all he was a down-low cad.
“He is the epitome of what every athlete’s wife worries about,” sex and dating writer Ashley Uzer points out. “I’m sure if she was suspicious before he got caught, he made her feel like she was crazy for suspecting him.”
Nick Young, on the other hand, has a much less prolific list of conquests, but he’s way more of a douche about it. Nick is a human meme first, an ex-fiancé to Iggy Azalea second, and a basketball player third. He and Iggy recently broke up because he’d impregnated a side chick. But they also almost broke up a few months ago when he was caught on tape bragging about the girls he’d banged, like only a fuckboy would.
At least Tiger Woods had the decency to try and keep his fuckboy behavior under wraps, which technically makes him a little bit less of a fuckboy. Bragging about your sex life a la Nick Young is 9000% fuckboy.
Still, our panel of fuckboy judges didn’t see it that way, and voted almost unanimously in favor of Tiger as fuckboy champ of this round.
“Tiger Woods has the air of a pussy,” as writer Abeline Cohen succinctly put it.
“Nick Young seemed more pathetic than anything else to me,” intern Kayla Jackson said while deliberating. “Tiger Woods cheated with more women over a longer period of time, also I read he was super cheap and sleazy wtih them.”
Video producer Victoria Brandt points out that the real winner in all this is Tiger’s ex-wife, Elin Nordegren.
“She chased him with one of his own like championship-winning golf clubs, so she really wins at life,” Vic said.
Tiger Woods: 8
Nick Young: 2
WINNER: Tiger Woods
2. Tom Brady vs. Kobe Bryant
Here, we had even more of a landslide vote — this time, in favor of Kobe Bryant. Despite the fact that Tom Brady proposed to Gisele Bündchen while Bridget Moynihan was pregnant with his child, and he has the most punchable annoying smug face in the NFL, only one of our judges think he’s a bigger fuckboy than Kobe Bryant.
“The photo of Ben Affleck’s nanny mistress in Tom Brady’s plane indicates the epitome of fuckboy,” Abeline said. “So Tom Brady wins here.”
But for the other judges, what really tipped the scales on this one were allegations of sexual assault against Kobe Bryant.
“This was a tough call because they both have championship dick syndrome and think they can fuck anything, but I have to give it to Kobe for sexual assault charges tbh,” Vic said.
And as Ashley points out, it’s not just Kobe’s shady and sometimes criminal behavior that earns him the title — it’s the fact that through it all, he remains basketball’s golden boy, even at home.
“You must be a professional fuckboy if you can not only cheat, but be charged for sexually assaulting another woman, and still convince your wife to stay with you,” Ashley said. “Either that dick is bomb or he knows exactly how to butter a girl up.”
Tom Brady: 1
Kobe Bryant: 9
WINNER: Kobe Bryant
3. Dwyane Wade vs. Derek Jeter
This was our closest match-up in American athletes division. While Dwyane Wade earns his place on the list for fathering a child by someone else while he was engaged to Gabrielle Union (just like Tom Brady!), Derek Jeter just has more celeb notches in his bedpost than any other athlete.
Derek’s been linked to Minka Kelly, Jessica Biel, Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Lachey, Mariah Carey, and the list goes on. Despite his lack of scandals, this alone qualifies him in some judges’ eyes to be considered the bigger fuckboy.
“I say Derek Jeter wins because he has somehow managed to convince females he’s attractive,” Vic said.
Also, as Ashley points out, “if you do a quick Google image search of him, you’ll notice that he has the biggest fuckboy smirk you’ve ever seen.”
Those who voted for Dwyane Wade did it out of solidarity with Gabrielle Union.
“He made her blame herself and he didn’t just cheat, he brought another child into the world as a result of him cheating,” Kayla said.
Dwyane Wade: 4
Derek Jeter: 6
WINNER: Derek Jeter
4. Kris Humphries vs. Michael Phelps
This delightful round pits against each other two men who would never get laid if it wasn’t for their athletic careers: erstwhile KUWTK star Kris Humphries and giant fish-man Michael Phelps.
Now, Kris Humphries has been painted as a victim because of his 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian, but he is also the worst. Not only was he a dick to Kim and her fam, but his asinine comments extended to mocking Caitlyn Jenner’s transition on Twitter when he wrote, “Thank God I got out of that family in time,” after her Diane Sawyer interview.
“I just see him as a normal guy who’s been misunderstood because their marriage was so short,” Kayla said.
That’s not how intern Keely Quinlan sees it.
“The Kardashians are responsible for him getting a little taste of fame, and then he turns around and talks so much shit about them?” Keely said. “It’s so disrespectful.”
Same with pop culture writer Maria Pasquini.
“I will never forget that moment on KUWTK when Kris pushed Kim into the pool, and then refused to help her search for the piece of jewelry she lost in the process,” Maria said. “He was def just with her because she was famous and didn’t try to make the marriage work AT ALL.”
Michael Phelps’ biggest sin is how hard he tries to be cool.
“He’s like that guy from high school who joints a frat and comes back on winter break thinking he’s the tits and can’t stop talking about his ‘sick’ brothers or all the hot chicks he’s allegedly boned at school,” Ashley said.
Still, for most of our judges, that wasn’t enough to earn him the Fuckboy title.
“Michael Phelps is just an idiot from too much chlorine,” Vic said. “Kris Humphries is walking excrement.”
Kris Humphries: 8
Michael Phelps: 2
WINNER: Kris Humphries
Now let’s take a look at our new American Athletes leader board…
Next week, we have a truly scintillating division ahead of us.
We’re comparing international superstars as the following matchups go head-to-head:
Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Harry Styles
David Beckham vs. Justin Bieber
Partynextdoor vs. Jude Law
Prince Harry vs. Colin Farrell
Don’t miss it! And for previous Fuckboy Olympiad coverage, click here.