F*ckboy Olympics Round 5: Tyga vs. Scott Disick
Welcome to our fifth week of the Fuckboy Olympics, where we decide on a case-by-case basis who is officially the Fuckboy to Rule Them All.
The Galore staff has divided the biggest fuckboys of the past century into four divisions. We’ve already covered the American entertainers, American athletes, international superstars, and elder statesmen.
This week, shit’s really getting real as we advance to the quarterfinals of the American entertainers and American athletes divisions. We’ll start out with the american entertainers:
Now let’s get ready to fuckboy.
1. Chris Brown vs. Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio bangs literally everyone, while Chris Brown not only abused a woman but also somehow still manages to convince other gorgeous women to date him, while engaging in fuckboy behavior at every turn.
Still, we thought this would be a landslide, but four of our judges actually thought Leo was a bigger fuckboy! WTF were they thinking?!
Well, intern Ashley Chew says, is all comes down to Leo’s impeccable image.
“Leo is really problematic on the low and denies it,” she said. “That’s the worst kind.”
Sex and dating writer Ashley Uzer also shocked us by voting Leo “because he still hasn’t come to terms with his fuckboy habits.”
“Leo is a very skilled fuckboy because he lays low and isn’t considered one in the public eye,” she said. “Instead, he’s still the OG heartthrob, environmentalist, whatever, that casually dates a new model each week.”
Now for those of us who voted Chris, the writing was on the wall since the 2009 Grammy awards.
Plus, “horribly sexist things flow out of his mouth like a faucet,” pop culture writer Maria Pasquini said.
He also “got a tattoo of a beaten woman on his neck,” video producer Victoria Brandt points out.
“I cannot and will not ever forgive him for laying a finger on Rihanna,” intern Keely Quinlan said.
“Chris Brown is beyond,” writer Abeline Cohen said succinctly.
Leonardo DiCaprio: 4
Chris Brown: 8
WINNER: Chris Brown
2. Scott Disick vs. Tyga
Honestly, this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for: two of the most controversial members of the Kardashian-Jenner orbit going head to head to see whose behavior is just too much.
First, let’s go through the votes for Tyga or, as Ashley Chew put it, “Kylie’s intern.”
Vic gives Tyga the gold because of the manipulation he has accomplished by “somehow convincing Kylie he don’t look like a rat.”
And I personally would add that Tyga has had about four too many cheating scandals for someone who’s dating one of the most famous and adored teens on the planet.
Still, Scott was our winner. Why?
“At least Tyga came to fame on his own by attempting some sort of musical career,” Ashley Uzer said. “WTF does Disick do? I honestly couldn’t tell you what his job is besides getting paid to show up at clubs and ruining Kourtney’s life on E!.”
Intern Kayla Jackson, meanwhile, went with Scott because she feels more sympathy for Kourtney than Kylie.
“Like Scott has three kids and still doesn’t have his shit together,” she said. “I don’t care enough about Tyga to consider him a fuckboy. He’s kind of an attention whore to me.”
“He’s too old for clubs,” west coast editor Mallory Llewellyn adds.
Intern Keely has considered Scott a fuckboy all the way back in KUWTK season one, when he was “prime fuckboy with that stupid af sweater tied around his neck, Gucci boat shoes, and ‘holier than thou’ attitude.”
Scott Disick: 7
WINNER: Scott Disick
And now for the athletes…
3. Tiger Woods vs. Kobe Bryant
This wasn’t much of a contest. While we all loathe Kobe for the sexual assault allegations that have been brought against him, a rapist and a fuckboy are two totally different beasts, as we’ve covered before.
Yeah, Tiger Woods’ humiliation of his wife on an international level makes him the winner here.
“Tiger Woods really made black people in golf look bad,” Ashley Chew said, “and we were rooting for him.”
“Tiger plays a fuckboy sport (golf is for preppy dudes who cheat on their wives with the nanny),” Ashley Uzer said, “has a fuckboy name, and did a major fuckboy thing by sleeping with a slew of escorts, random chicks, and strippers while he had a wife. Good job Tiger, that’s a hat trick.”
Keely points out that Tiger even hooked up with the neighbor’s daughter while married to Elin Nordegren. Ewwwww.
Also, Wikipedia tells me Kobe’s middle name is Bean and he used to have a Nutella endorsement — pretty soft for a fuckboy.
Tiger Woods: 10
Kobe Bryant: 2
WINNER: Tiger Woods
4. Derek Jeter vs. Kris Humphries
Man, look at these punchable faces! While Derek Jeter is considered by many to be baseball’s biggest heartthrob, Kris Humphries is beloved by no one but his own parents, so it’s no surprise Kris took the fuckboy gold in this heat, after skewering Michael Phelps in the last round.
“Kris Humphries is bitter and his face is annoying,” Ashley Chew said. “He doesn’t even go here.”
“He never tried to make it work with Kim and totally got off on playing the victim,” Maria said.
Keely insists that while Derek Jeter seems like a good guy, “Humphries is just a bitter mess. Like your marriage with Kim lasted 72 days and you still feel the need to shit on her and her family.He has too many opinions, just like Chris Brown. The only reason this B-list athlete was ever relevant was because of the Kardashians.”
There was some competition, though. Ashley Uzer considers Derek Jeter a fuckboy just because of his illustrious dating track record, which is much more extensive than that of Kris Humphries.
Plus, she points out, “Kris agreed to get married on national television, which isn’t very fuckboy-esque, even if he kinda used it to make himself more relevant.”
Kayla, meanwhile, is a much more compassionate person than the rest of us, because she actually feels bad for Kris Humphries — “he didn’t know what he was getting himself into,” she said.
Still, there’s no sympathy in the rest of the Galore office for Kim K’s second husband.
Derek Jeter: 4
Kris Humphries: 8
WINNER: Kris Humphries
Damn! That was intense.
Can’t wait until next week when we tackle the following match-ups:
Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Justin Bieber
Jude Law vs. Prince Harry
Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Charlie Sheen
Hugh Hefner vs. Eric Clapton