F*ckboy Olympics Round 4: Elder Statesmen
Welcome to our fourth week of the Fuckboy Olympics, where we decide on a case-by-case basis who is officially the Fuckboy to Rule Them All.
The Galore staff has divided the biggest fuckboys of the past century into four divisions. We’ve already covered the American entertainers, American athletes, and international superstars. And this week, we’re tackling our most insane category yet: the Elder Statesmen.
Let’s take a closer look at these matchups, shall we? In this division, we isolate the eight biggest fuckboys of the past 80 years. We’ve organized them thusly: Bill Clinton vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger; Charlie Sheen vs. Jack Nicholson; Hugh Hefner vs. Eddie Murphy; and John F. Kennedy vs. Eric Clapton.
But first, for the uninitiated: WTF is a fuckboy? It’s a special mix of dick pics, swag, and thinking your shit don’t stink. A fuckboy is not just a guy who bangs a lot of girls. He’s also a cheater and a master manipulator. The type to spew lines like “I don’t believe in labels” and “you’ll love anal, I swear” — put simply, a fuckboy’s only bae is himself.
Now let’s get ready to fuckboy.
1. Bill Clinton vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Thanks to his 1996 blow job scandal, Bill Clinton may be the biggest fuckboy to hold office in the past 30 years. And make no mistake — the competition is fierce.
But despite the fact that the Bill Clinton sex scandal dominated the headlines when most of the Galore staff were in our formative years, Bubba received a measly two votes.
“I have to go with Bill because I truly believe his marriage with Hillary is a sham,” intern Keely Quinlan says, “and Bill just gets down with whoever he wants on the side because Hillary is asexual. Plus Bill seriously gives me the creeps, but I guess anyone from Arkansas does.”
Fair point. I personally also voted Bill, because he just strikes me as being way slimier than Arnold.
Still, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tremendous fuckboy credentials led him to the gold in this round.
Arnold made a career out of being a meathead, then somehow slithered into the California governorship. We’re sure he banged a lot of women over the years, but his fuckboy crowning achievement was when he impregnated his housekeeper and then let their illegitimate child play alongside his other children with wife Maria Shriver for years before being found out.
As sex and dating writer Ashley Uzer says, “He falls into the all too classic fuckboy behavior of banging the nanny, but he takes it a step further by trying to keep it under wraps and letting his kid hang out with his other kid and forgetting to mention the small fact that they’re siblings.”
Intern Kayla Jackson postulates that Bill was bad for cheating, but Arnold was way worse. Pop culture writer Maria Pasquini agrees.
“At least Bill had the decency not to have a secret love child with the nanny,” Maria says. “Like c’mon Arnold, WTF is wrong with you.”
“My husband would’ve been dead,” Kitten Agency’s Drea Nickelle said.
Even Arnold’s bodybuilding roots gave our peanut gallery a reason to prosecute him to the fullest extent of fuckboy laws.
“Arnold is the inspiration for fuckboys everywhere with his ripped bod,” Ashley says.
“He’s way too large not to have secrets,” west coast editor Mallory Llewellyn asserts.
Perhaps the most sound reasoning of all came from Galore TV’s Victoria Brandt, who said, “I hated Arnold’s fucking governator shirts, and Bill Clinton at least balanced the budget.”
Bill Clinton: 2
Arnold Schwarzenegger: 8
2. Charlie Sheen vs. Jack Nicholson
Charlie Sheen’s fuckboy antics are fresh in everyone’s memories — he made a name for himself by being a gleeful douchebag with multiple girlfriends and multiple drug habits. Meanwhile, Jack Nicholson got most of his fuckboy behavior out of his system in the 70s, 80s and 90s.
I personally was the single vote in favor of Jack Nicholson, because I read the memoirs of his longtime girlfriend Anjelica Huston, and that shit stuck with me. Plus, his mansion in LA has a literal underground tunnel to the Playboy Mansion, and that’s gotta count for something.
But our panel of judges can’t get past the fact that Charlie Sheen admitted to having unprotected sex while HIV positive without alerting his partners.
“Charlie Sheen is on the very far end of the fuckboy scale which wavers between fuckboy and psychopath,” Ashley says. “I mean, wanting to get laid so badly that you lie about being HIV positive? That’s a whole ‘nother level of fucked up. Also trying to be the poor man’s version of Hugh Hefner by having three girls live in your house was pathetic.”
It’s not just the lack of consideration for his partners’ sexual health, though. He was a known fuckboy long before his diagnosis.
“He’s not hot, and somehow he managed to marry Denise Richards, so he’s manipulative,” intern Keely points out.
“He was also responsible for ‘Two and a Half Men,'” Vic points out.
Charlie Sheen: 9
Jack Nicholson: 1
WINNER: Charlie Sheen
3. Hugh Hefner vs. Eddie Murphy
This was one of our closest heats of the day. On one hand you have Hugh Hefner, the father/grandfather/great grandfather of the Playboy empire who, as Ashley points out, “made being a fuckboy profitable and aspirational before the term ‘fuckboy’ even existed.”
Eddie Murphy, meanwhile, has been subject of a few sex scandals, the most dastardly of which occurred when he impregnated Scary Spice and refused to admit the baby was his.
Suffice it to say, our judges were divided. Before voting Eddie, Maria had this to say:
“Hugh Hefner is low key the grossest human being on the planet, but I’m sorry, knocking up a celebrity and then pulling a Shaggy and saying it wasn’t you is taking fuckboy antics to a new level.”
Drea agrees. “You can’t fuck with Scary Spice,” she says. “Like how he left her is just so wrong.”
Some judges argued that Hugh Hefner deserves some credit for admitting his main goal in life is to be a douche wad.
“Hugh is expected to be shitty,” Mallory says. “He shaped his entire life around being shitty. But Eddie seems nice, and funny, and chill. He’s a low key fuckboy, and that’s the WORST.”
But in the end, Hef came out on top for creating a fuckboy dynasty.
“I used to watch the show ‘Girls Next Door’ when I was like 12 while hiding from my mom because she hated him,” Keely says, “and thought he was a perv. But the things the girls had to do for him, especially Holly, was just awful. That show changed the way I saw sex, and it wasn’t for the better.”
“Hefner has been breeding more fuckboys for decades,” Vic asserts.
Last but not least, Ashley, hilariously, cast a solemn vote for Hef without realizing he’s still alive.
“He literally convinced women that living in his harem was cool and fun,” she says. “Hugh literally remained a fuckboy till his death which takes dedication.”
Hugh Hefner: 6
Eddie Murphy: 4
WINNER: Hugh Hefner
4. John F. Kennedy vs. Eric Clapton
These two fuckers have probably never been mentioned in the same sentence.
JFK has been notorious for his fuckboy ways ever since Marilyn Monroe sang him “Happy Birthday” as his humiliated wife, Jackie O., sat there wanting to curl into a ball. He also cheated hella times.
But Eric Clapton has been under the radar for years as one of the world’s foremost fuckboys. A quintessential guitar-carrying white boy who thinks the rules don’t apply to him, he decided to “fall in love” with his friend George Harrison’s wife Pattie Boyd in the 70s. When she wouldn’t bang him, he decided to get her younger sister addicted to heroin and lock her up in his ridiculous British homestead.
Then, after he tired of Pattie’s sister, he finally got her to pay attention to him. He convinced her to divorce George Harrison, but he only married her because of a bet. His friend bet him he couldn’t get on the front page of the newspaper the next day, so he called up Pattie and proposed. They got married, he won the bet, and he went on to cheat on her and impregnate someone else. The cherry on top came when he got mad at Pattie, who was unable to have kids, for not being happy that he got someone else pregnant.
These are the things you learn when you read celebrity memoirs, you guys. I highly recommend it.
Anyway, Eric Clapton won this round, but it was close.
Intern Kayla voted JFK because “I feel like there’s never been a more public political cheating scandal,” she says.
“JFK managed to be a fuckboy (and president) that convinced everyone he was the shit,” Ashley says.
Mallory agrees — “I HATE EVIL GUYS WHO SEEM NICE,” she exclaimed.
Meanwhile, six of us were in the Clapton camp. Maria couldn’t blame JFK for sampling the goods — he is the hottest president in history, after all.
“Cheating is like, never acceptable behavior, but who in their right mind wouldn’t give up their left nut for a chance to fuck Marilyn Monroe?” she says. “Gotta give this one to Eric Clapton. Getting your crush’s little sister addicted to heroin just so you can get her attention long enough to get her to agree to go on a date with you is just too much.”
“Eric Clapton clearly has life all the way twisted,” Drea says, “like you have me all the way fucked up.”
“I don’t care that you play guitar really well,” Vic says. “Like you’re a dick and that’s what is important here.”
Graphics and astrology intern Mi Gerer offered this breathless and succinct response: “fucked up — fucking around with sisters — HORRIBLE.”
John F. Kennedy: 4
Eric Clapton: 6
WINNER: Eric Clapton
What an exhilarating round.
Next week, we have some even more contentious matchups:
CHRIS BROWN vs. LEONARDO DICAPRIO
TYGA vs. SCOTT DISICK
TIGER WOODS vs. KOBE BRYANT
DEREK JETER vs. KRIS HUMPHRIES
Wow. See you next Friday.