F*ckboy Olympics Round 3: International Superstars
Welcome to Galore’s Fuckboy Olympics, where the biggest douche nozzles on planet Earth face off for the title of World’s Biggest Fuckboy.
So far, we’ve proclaimed winners in the American entertainers and American athletes divisions. And this week, we have four truly contentious matchups in our first round of the International superstars division.
But first, what makes a fuckboy? It’s a special mix of dick pics, swag, and thinking your shit don’t stink. A fuckboy is not just a guy who bangs a lot of girls. He’s also a cheater and a master manipulator. The type to spew lines like “I don’t believe in labels” and “you’ll love anal, I swear,” a fuckboy’s only bae is himself.
You might think American bros have this behavior on lock. But you’d be surprised at how many dudes from around the globe also exhibit fuckboy symptoms. In the spirit of international collaboration and harmony, today, we’re weighing the world’s most famous non-American fuckboys.
Let’s get ready to fuckboy!
1. Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Harry Styles
Our first faceoff comes in the form of an unlikely pair: soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo and One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles.
Cristiano Ronaldo is constantly surrounded by models in bikinis, but his fuckboy crowning moment was when he cheated on Irina Shayk with a Playboy model after five years of dating.
Harry Styles, meanwhile, is the poster boy for fuckboy looks — but according to our judges, he doesn’t really live up to his bad boy image.
“Harry is very young and seems super sweet,” says astrology intern Mi Gerer. “I feel like he is going to quiet down when he gets older.”
Galore’s Feminism podcast co-host Melissa Radzimski notes that Harry is too woke to be a fuckboy.
“He is too free gender and sexuality-wise to be a janky fuckboy,” she said.
“Harry Styles isn’t actually a fuckboy,” sex and dating writer Ashley Uzer says. “Taylor Swift just tried to make him seem like one.”
The writing’s on the wall vis-a-vis Ronaldo, though. He is persona non grata around the Galore offices!
“Cristiano Ronaldo cheated on the prettiest woman to ever exist,” west coast editor Mallory Llewellyn laments.
“His eyebrows are more groomed than mine,” Lisa Gia Yoo points out, “and that’s gotta count for something.”
Cristiano Ronaldo: 11
Harry Styles: 2
WINNER: Cristiano Ronaldo
2. David Beckham vs. Justin Bieber
This was another landslide vote. Almost everyone voted for Justin Bieber — even though David Beckham is known to have cheated on Posh Spice. And with the help, no less!
Still, Becks has apparently lived down the cheating allegations. In fact, Ashley has pronounced him “#husbandgoals.”
“Yes, David was probably a world class fuckboy in his day,” Bible Study podcast co-host Mariah Smith says, “but he’s taught us that men can grow from and out of it. Bieber on the other hand is in the fuckboy trenches with his bleach blonde hair and semi-erect penis.”
Justin Bieber “is the first person who comes to mind when I think of the word fuckboy,” intern Keely Quinlan says. “He’s really stepped up the douche game since Selena.”
Melissa argues that David Beckham is too much of a dad to be a fuckboy.
“I bet he owns comfort New Balance sneakers now!” she exclaims. “Not fuckboy status.”
Writer Abeline Cohen agrees.
“I choose to believe that David Beckham loves his wife as much as we all do,” she said, “so I choose Justin Bieber as champion fuckboy.”
The sole Beckham vote came from intern Kayla Jackson.
“Justin Bieber’s never cheated on anyone,” she pointed out. “The only thing Justin Bieber does is try too hard. Like, he’s from Canada.”
She’s got a point. But still, he’s a fuckboy icon, as our votes show.
David Beckham: 1
Justin Bieber: 12
WINNER: Justin Bieber
3. Partynextdoor vs. Jude Law
This was a hotly contested round. In one corner, we have Jude Law, who cheated with the nanny — the most old-school cad move in the book. In the other corner we have Partynextdoor, who screwed over Kehlani by making it look like she was cheating on her ex, only to bounce over to Kylie Jenner shortly after.
Pop writer Maria admits that PND wasn’t cool for posting that Kehlani photo, but still voted for Jude Law.
“He’s a raging fuckboy for committing the ultimate cliché sin of cheating on his hot ass wife [Sienna Miller] with the nanny,” she said.
Ashley Uzer echoed this almost word for word, pointing to Jude’s cheating on his “hot ass wife” as the biggest fuckboy cliché in history. Same with Lisa.
“How could you cheat on Sienna Miller?” Lisa wonders. “Booooo go home.”
But our judges also had their reasons when it came to voting PND. Why did Kitten intern Ashley Chew vote for Partynextdoor? Simply “for being named Partynextdoor,” she said.
Meanwhile, Mallory and Kayla voted PND because of his apparent attention-whoring and social-climbing ways, pointing to his relationships with Kehlani and Kylie as proof.
But as Mariah points out, Partynextdoor might not actually be the fuckboy in these scenarios.
“I think he might have gotten fuckboy’d by Kylie Jenner,” the Kardashian expert says. “So Jude Law wins this round.”
“Seems like Partynexdoor is all talk and no game because neither Kylie or Kehlani stuck around,” Keely said. “But even then, his behavior is still 100% fuckboy.”
Guest male judge Nick Pastula had to be called in to break the tie between PND and Jude, and he voted for the latter.
“I’ve only known who Partynextdoor is for like a month,” Nick said. “I’m going with Jude Law for his ability to stay in the game.”
Jude Law: 7
WINNER: Jude Law
4. Prince Harry vs. Colin Farrell
Our final heat was just as contentious as the last one, with literal British fuckboy royalty Prince Harry facing off against Ireland’s fuckboyingest export, Colin Farrell.
Mallory is most freaked out by Colin’s perpetual singledom, which clinches his fuckboy status in her eyes.
“He never settles down,” she said. “WTF is that about?”
Keely is more perturbed by Colin’s sexual preferences.
“He told a magazine in an interview that sober sex was terrifying,” she said. “Like, what? As if drunk sex isn’t? Then he said he doesn’t know if a monogamous relationship is possible for him. Polygamous and prefers drunk sex. Fuckboy af.”
Maria, meanwhile, votes Prince Harry because Colin Farrell did the least fuckboy thing possible:
“Colin had the bravery to say his penis wasn’t that big,” she says, “which I’m not sure any fuckboy would ever do.”
Lisa votes Harry, meanwhile, because she just watched “The Lobster” and “seeing Colin Farrell with a gut wiped out all fuckboy imagery of him.”
Prince Harry, on the other hand, once dressed up as a Nazi for Halloween, “so yeah, he’s a fuckboy,” Maria concluded.
Melissa, meanwhile, points to the laws of fuckboy primogeniture as her reasoning for voting Harry.
“Prince Harry is the fuckboy all the boring old white people around him in his castles need in order to recognize that we are all mortal and made of organic matter,” she says.
Guest male judge Nick points out a Harry detail most of us missed.
“He’s fuckboying a whole nother category of girls, which is high society girls,” he said. “He’s not just fuckboying LA club girls like Colin Farrell was.”
God save the queen, because Prince Harry wins this one.
Prince Harry: 7
Colin Farrell: 6
WINNER: Prince Harry
Next week’s matchup…
Next Friday will see a highly anticipated round of Elder Statesmen battling it out. We’ve got four incredible matchups: Bill Clinton vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlie Sheen vs. Jack Nicholson, Hugh Hefner vs. Eddie Murphy, and JFK vs. Eric Clapton. Damn damn.