F*ckboy Olympics Final Four: Bieber, Brown, Sheen & Woods
Well everyone, we’re on the home stretch. This is the second to last week of the Fuckboy Olympics.
We’ve decided who’s the biggest douchebag in every possible category, and narrowed it down to two final faceoffs before we award the gold, silver, and bronze next week. So let’s get to it.
Chris Brown and Tiger Woods are the last asshats standing on the American entertainer and athlete side. Meanwhile, Justin Bieber is repping for international superstars and Charlie Sheen has been judged the most dickheaded elder statesman.
It’s been a wild ride, gang. For one thing, Hugh Hefner was knocked out last week, when I was sure he’d be our final old fart candidate for the gold. Meanwhile, Jude Law made it farther than I ever expected — guess it’s the accent. And perhaps most surprisingly, John Mayer was knocked out in his first bout. WTF?!
But this is no time to dwell on the past. It’s time to figure out who’ll go head to head next week while striving for the gold.
Now let’s get ready to fuckboy.
1. Chris Brown vs. Tiger Woods
This was a doozy.
While Chris Brown is best known for being a domestic abuser, that’s not technically fuckboy behavior. It’s just abusive behavior and in a separate category.
That said, he has not disappointed our judges when it comes to acting like a manipulative fuck when it comes to women.
“At least Tiger said he was sorry and seemed to mean it,” pop culture writer Maria Pasquini says.
Still, guest judge and podcast cohost Melissa Radzimski voted Tiger.
“Anyone who texts, ‘I want to be deep inside you’ and ‘I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust’ literally doesn’t know how to exist on this planet without being a fuckboy,” she said. “The fact that he probably showers with a polo on further proves his fuckboy status.”
Podcast cohost Mariah Smith also voted Tiger, mainly because he should know better.
“He edges Chris Brown out by age,” she says. “This is in no way an endorsement for Chris Brown — he is a human garbage bag and can’t take the shape of a human male, and therefore can’t physically accept the title.”
Plus, Tiger is still loved by dudes the world over, “which is ultimate fuckboy status,” Melissa says. “Like, guys still go to bat for you because you play a #sport.”
Still, Chris Brown had the edge over Tiger.
“Chris Brown has fucked over more relationships than Tiger Woods,” intern Kayla Jackson says.
“My vivid memory of Chris stuffing girls in the trunk of a car knocked Tiger Woods out of this,” Drea Nickelle says.
Chris Brown: 6
Tiger Woods: 4
WINNER: Chris Brown
2. Justin Bieber vs. Charlie Sheen
This was also contentious. While Justin Bieber is a fuckboy in training, Charlie is a calcified douche. Bieber is still riding with his asswad training wheels, but Charlie has soared close to the fuckboy sun.
But Bieber came out on top.
“They’re different kinds of fuckboys,” Maria says. “Justin’s the benevolent kid who’ll break your heart, dodge your calls, date 17-year-olds and egg your house, but Charlie Sheen will give you AIDS.
“But,” she continues, “Justin is the one celebrity who best represents the fuckboy spirit, so I have to give it to him.”
“Justin Bieber is the face I think of when I envision fuckboy,” she says. “The fact that this poor soul still looks like a hot butch lesbian also significantly helps his fuckboy cause. He represents the fuckboys of the world who REALLY try to manipulate you to be on their side.
“He hasn’t felt in years,” she adds ominously. “That’s probably the most defining aspect of a fuckboy: not feeling.”
Galore TV intern Nisa Neza voted Charlie, though, “because he has had enough time to overcome his fuckboy ways. The Biebs is still dazed and confused like all this contemporaries.”
“Justin is still a baby,” Drea says. “He has time to get it out of his system.”
But Mariah disagrees.
“Homeboy literally shut down his Instagram account because he felt victimized by his fuckboy nonsense being called out by his ex,” she says. “He was born a fuckboy, he will continue to live as a fuckboy, and he will die as a fuckboy.”
How’s that for a Purpose?
Justin Bieber: 6
Charlie Sheen: 4
WINNER: Justin Bieber
Well damn. Next week is gonna be huge — we’ll pick who gets the gold between Justin and Chris Brown. Then, Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods face off for bronze.
And finally, we’ll award a special Pierre de Coubertin “fourth medal” to a surprise guest, sort of like a dishonorable mention. Get ready y’all.