Rio Authorities Say Ryan Lochte Def Didn’t Get Robbed
Yesterday, we told you that there was something fishy about Ryan Lochteâ€™s Rio robbery story.
At the time all we knew was that footage had been obtained of Ryan and his bros walking into the Olympic Village with all their shit that was supposedly stolen at gunpoint, but now we know the whole story.
Spoiler alert: it isnâ€™t just fishy, itâ€™s a downright fabrication.
Here’s what happened, according to the New York Daily News and other sources:Â Ryan Lochte and his bros got hammered, stumbled upon a gas station, thought, â€œyeah, I could pee,â€ broke down the door of a locked bathroom instead of politely asking if somebody could open the door, got into a fight with the security guards at the gas station (side note, what gas station has security guards?), and then tried to pay off the guards with cash to not talk about what just went down with the press/pay for damages.
Only then they were big dumb dumbs and said that they were robbed instead of telling the truth to Olympic officials because apparently, like true babies, they were â€œafraid [theyâ€™d] get in trouble.â€
So instead they lied and got into even bigger trouble.
Although, for the record, Ryan still SWEARS he was telling the truth.
“I wouldn’t make up a story like this nor would the others,” Lochte told Matt Lauer onÂ Wednesday. “As a matter of fact, we all feel it makes us look bad. We’re victims in this and we’re happy that we’re safe.”
In case youâ€™re wondering, filing a false police report is punishable by up to six months in detention or a fine, so thereâ€™s a big chance these boys wonâ€™t just get off with a slap on the wrists.
Moral of the story: donâ€™t lie when youâ€™re famous.
People will uncover your lies and proceed to make you look like an giant idiot.
Even if you have a head of green hair and a very distracting amount of abs.