F*ckboy Olympics Round 6: Justin Bieber, Prince Harry, & More
Welcome back to the Fuckboy Olympics, where our panel of judges decides which sexy douchenozzle is the biggest player of them all.
As we continue to make our way through the bracket, we’ve already gone through several rounds: American athletes, American entertainers, international superstars, and elder statesmen. We’re now in our second round of the quarterfinals, after a banner week that included a match-up between Tyga and Scott Disick.
Now, we’re advancing to the next round on the right side of the bracket, with the quarterfinals of the international superstars and elder statesmen.
Now let’s get ready to fuckboy!
1. Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Justin Bieber
Who breeds bigger fuckboys: Brazil or Canada? We’re about to find out.
Although star soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo has serious fuckboy credentials, not least among them his hairdo, Justin Bieber blew him out of the water this week.
“Justin Bieber has been a fuckboy FOREVER,” pop culture writer Maria Pasquini says. “Like when he was 18 he went on Punk’d just to make Taylor Swift cry.”
True. Sex and dating writer Ashley Uzer’s reasoning goes even deeper.
“He tries really hard to seem like an emotionally unavailable bro when he probs drunk calls Selena Gomez all the time saying he misses more than just her body,” Ashley points out. “Or he does the classic fuckboy maneuver of being a dick, then switching when you’re finally over him, like when he weirdly posts TBT pics of the two of them.”
Meanwhile, TV producer Elena De Santiago voted for Cristiano Ronaldo because she googled him and found a list of embarrassing facts about him. And intern Ashley Chew agrees that Cristiano is the bigger fuckboy — “because he contours too much.”
Still, Biebz won once more and will advance another round.
Cristiano Ronaldo: 3
Justin Bieber: 6
WINNER: Justin Bieber
2. Jude Law vs. Prince Harry
It’s a battle of the Brits! But the results were kind of a landslide. Apparently, not even dressing like a Nazi for fun and banging every slender British girl alive beats out cheating with the Nanny.
“Prince Harry may have been a fuckboy in the past,” Maria says, “but now he’s doing shit like taking AIDS tests on Facebook Live to promote sexual health, which is way too responsible for any fuckboy to even contemplate.”
Not to mention, as Ashley points out, who among us wouldn’t be tempted to dabble in fuckboy tendencies if we were born royal? The difference is we wouldn’t bang the nanny like Jude.
Intern Lexi Ioannou controversially voted Harry because he’s “not even worth becoming a princess for.”
But Jude still takes this one. Because as intern Ashley Chew points out, “Have you SEEN Sienna Miller? Who could cheat on that hair?”
So Jude wins. Bye Harry, see you in my dreams.
Jude Law: 7
Prince Harry: 2
WINNER: Jude Law
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Charlie Sheen
This was a major landslide, with Charlie Sheen almost completely shutting Arnie out. Apparently in fuckboy rock-paper-scissors, the only thing that beats cheating with the nanny is not coming clean about your HIV diagnosis.
“He had no shame in his fuckboy game, ” Ashley says. “Arnold at least tried to keep his infidelity on the DL and tried to clean up his act. Charlie continues to be a fuckboy.”
“And he’s mean,” intern Keely Quinlan adds.
Arnold did get one vote, though, from Ashley Chew — “because of ‘Jingle All the Way.'” By the transitive property, I think that means that movie’s worse than AIDS.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: 1
Charlie Sheen: 9
WINNER: Charlie Sheen
4. Hugh Hefner vs. Eric Clapton
This was our toughest race of the week — Hugh Hefner “has dedicated his life to being truly repulsive” as online editor Mallory Llewellyn says, while Eric Clapton casually got his best friend’s wife’s sister addicted to heroin when the wife wouldn’t give him the time of day.
The crux of this argument: Hugh Hefner is a professional fuckboy, but he at least has the decency to “stay in his lane,” as Ashley Chew said. Eric, meanwhile, seems slimier and more sneaky about his exploits.
Still, Hugh Hefner’s career ended up pushing him into the winner’s circle.
“He’s an originator of fuckboyism,” Elena says.
Plus, “he’s way too old to be fuckboy material but he still is anyway,” Lexi adds.
“The career fuckboy always wins,” Keely says.
There you have it.
Hugh Hefner: 5
Eric Clapton: 4
WINNER: Hugh Hefner
Well, that was intense! Tune in next week when we go through the following matchups:
Chris Brown vs. Scott Disick
Tiger Woods vs. Kris Humphries