7 Common Sex Preparations That Are A Total Waste Of Your Time

Having time to prepare for a booty call is a luxury. Normally, you’re left Ubering back to your apartment at 2 a.m. in a (horny) frenzy, hoping that you didn’t leave out your freshly purchased box of tampons on your bed, and silently praying that you remembered to shave this morning.

When you do have time to spare before your dick appointment, you might get a little luxurious. Taking your sweet time in the shower, exfoliating your entire body, maybe even lighting some candles to set the mood.

That’s nice and all, it really is. But there’s really no need to Kondo your room or Febreze your entire apartment before a dude comes over. In fact, if anyone should be spending time preparing for a fuck-sesh, it should be him. Unless you do the below things for you, you shouldn’t do these things for a guy. Because chances are, he won’t even notice.

1. Putting On Perfume

Do not waste your $82 bottle of Tom Ford on some dude who doesn’t even wash his sheets. If you didn’t have time to shower that day and are feeling less than fresh after a long subway ride, totally makes sense to dab some on. But don’t spray that shit all over your room, on your pulse points, and in your panties. First off, spraying perfume near your pussy could give you an infection, second off your delicate sandalwood and lavender mix is likely going to be overpowered by Axe body spray as soon as he walks in.

2. Cleaning Your Room

Have you forgotten how the male species generally keeps their room? Sheets with jizz stains, empty pizza boxes under the bed, and piles of clean laundry that they’re too lazy to fold strewn around the room. Sure, not all dudes are messy, but unless you’re fucking Mr.Clean I doubt that a dude is going to notice the state of your bedroom before zooming straight in on your tits.

3. Making Your Bed

This goes along with cleaning your room. You’re just going to fuck up the bed soon anyway, so there’s really no reason to tuck in your sheets and pile on your seven throw pillows before your fuck buddy comes over. Plus, if cum gets on your bed, it’d be a lot easier to clean your sheets than your comforter.

4. Putting On Lotion

Just like perfume, a regular dude is very unlikely to notice your “Love Spell” scented body cream from Victoria’s Secret. If anything, he’s going to be annoyed that he can’t get a good grip on your ass and wonder why your body is so much more greasy than usual.

5. Wearing Intricate Lingerie

Lingerie should always be purchased and worn for you, not your man. Seriously, most dudes are hardly going to take one look at your black lacy set before wondering how on earth to unhook your garters and get to the “good stuff.” If you ever expect a guy to appreciate your La Perla over your Victoria’s Secret Pink, you must be dreaming. Remember when Elle Woods asked Warner to describe her Prada shoes and he said “black ones?” Yeah.

6. Lighting Candles

Okay, who really does this in real life besides that hipster 30-year-old I dated one time? Girls might appreciate candles, but guys will probably not notice. You’re way more likely to set your garbage can on fire than to set the mood. Chill on the fire hazards.

7. Waxing Your Entire Body

I get it, most of us ladies like our pussies to look the same way that it did when we left the womb — weird but we try not too think too much about it. But if it’s been one or two days since you’ve shaved and you’re not smooth as a baby’s bottom, you don’t need to freak out and cancel your booty call or attempt to dry shave last-minute in your bathroom. Sure, he might notice when he’s face-first in your pussy, but it’s not going to keep him from wanting to fuck you. Besides, I doubt he’s perfectly shaven everywhere when you go down on him. As long as he’s getting laid, he could care less about the stray hairs on your knees or the random patch you kind of missed on your lady parts, this is real life, not a porno.

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