11 Memorable Pieces of Love Advice We’ve Received From Uber Drivers

Sometimes we ask friends for advice, sometimes we ask our family, sometimes we ask random guys at the bar for an unbiased male opinion. Whoever we’ve asked for love advice in the past, we’ve probably forgotten it. But we’ll always remember the advice that we never asked for.

I’m talking about the words of “wisdom” you get from your driver while you’re slumped in the back of an Uber at 3 a.m. pondering the meaning of life. What is it about Uber drivers that makes them capable of diagnosing your love life after like 12 minutes of knowing you? We don’t know, but we do know that half the nighttime Uber rides we’ve ever taken have devolved into therapy sessions.

So we collected stories from 11 people who’ve received noteworthy relationship advice from their drivers.

1. Whatchu Tryna Say?

“After listening to me drunkenly argue with an ex over the fact that she left me for a hockey player, he turns around and tells me; ‘It don’t take no big dick to make a baby.’ I don’t really get it, but I’ve since used this advice for pretty much everything.”

2. The Age Old Dilemma

“One night this guy I had met at the bar was texting me to go back to his place and I said no because I wanted to go get pizza. The guy said that he would order me a pizza to his place (obviously I was telling the cab driver the play by plays) and my cab driver goes ‘he’s not gonna want to just drunk eat pizza with you.’ I was like, ‘I know he’s gonna want to fuck me.’ So he asked, ‘Do you think you’d be able to eat pizza while having sex, you could try it tonight with him?’ He wouldn’t drive me to Queens though, that was my next request. He said I’d regret it in the morning.”

3. Matchmaker, Matchmaker

“He randomly said, ‘Arranged marriage is always good. Do it. These American men are shit. Keep Indian bloodline going.’ He had just been arranged a couple weeks prior to some 19-year-old girl and he was 35.”

4. Communication, Major Key

“I was in New Orleans for my buddy’s bachelor party and as a joke we were asking all of our Uber drivers if they had any marriage advice for our bud. A lot of them would jokingly respond and say, ‘yeah, don’t do it.’ This one Uber driver told us how crazy he was with girls when he was younger. He had a ‘sex list,’ but said when he met his wife all of that didn’t matter. He said marriage is a lot of work and the way to make it work is to never stop communicating.”

5. Make-Up Sex

“My girlfriend and I were arguing over absolutely nothing after a long night. I was sitting in the front seat, she was in the back. He grabbed my arm gently and said, ‘Stop arguing. Just go home, fuck, and get over it.'”

6. One Star Rating

“After texting me the screenshot below, he proceeded to call me five times.”

7. No Pocket Pussy In The Vehicle

“We were pretty drunk and I think we had been talking about sex dolls, and our driver goes, ‘It might seem like a good idea to get a pocket pussy, but only if you wash it every few days.'”

8. What About Your Dadbod Tho?

“My Uber driver was an older Eastern European/Russian dude and told me all about his love life and then told me the golden rule: ‘look at the mother before you marry’ to see how the body will look post-kids.”

9. Bananas Don’t Have STDs?

“My Uber driver once blurted out, ‘never have sex with a condom on cause it’s like eating a banana with the peel still on.’ I don’t remember what we had been talking about before, we were pretty drunk, but I swear it was just random.”

10. Should’ve Put a Ring On It

“I was cracking my cab driver up by saying, ‘ugh, my boyfriend better have dinner done,’ and he was like ‘you’re so cool, you are hilarious, do you cook?’ We got to talking about how my boyfriend and I both cook — and then he got real serious that my boyfriend should be marrying me ‘because other guys have eyes and see me.’ My cab driver told me if I cook for my guy and his family that I should already be engaged, that I should get married now and have babies so my babies grow up with me. Best cab ride ever!”

11. Jamaican Me Crazy

“After a lunch date with a friend of a friend, we were in an Uber home. He was talking about how he had so many flyer-miles that he needed to use and that he wanted to take me on a trip. I didn’t know him very well, so I kind of brushed it off. After the Uber dropped him home and started driving me to my place, the driver turned around and told me that he’d driven my date before and he’d heard him make those promises to other girls too. I told my date and he claimed he’d never seen that driver in his life. We ended up being great friends and never hooked up.”

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