How To Improve Communication In Your Relationship

In any relationship, the biggest obstacle is not something horrific like cheating, or something complex such as finding out you’re long lost cousins. The simple thing that seems to cause rifts in nearly every relationship is a lack of communication. Specifically in our generation, men and women alike aren’t too keen on opening up and expressing their emotions, fears, dislikes, etc, and it’s totally understandable. On one end of things, you sometimes don’t want to spell every little thing out for your partner for fear of sounding demanding, crazy, or jealous. On the other end, you may assume that your partner knows you so well that you don’t need to tell him everything explicitly. Whether you’re on one end or the other, the easiest way to clear up miscommunication is to tell it like it is.

Tell Him When He’s Awesome, and When He’s Shit

Having a boyfriend is kind of like training a new puppy. He doesn’t really know exactly how to act in every situation, so he learns by trying and seeing what he can get away with. While you’re never going to be able to mold your man into exactly what you’ve always wanted in a dude, you can let him know when he’s doing well and when he’s doing horribly. Depending what kind of person you are, you probably lean towards one side or the other.

If you’re the type of girl who constantly tells her man when he’s doing a great job (i.e: “I loved the way you ate my pussy last night” or “It’s so sweet how you came to bring me lunch at work on Wednesday, it meant a lot”) then that’s cool, and he’s going to want to keep doing nice things for you because he knows that you appreciate every little thing. However, if you never tell him when he’s pissing you off, your relationship is going to turn into a constant battle of him pissing you off and making it up to you. Not to mention that if you never tell him that he’s pissing you off, he’ll never fix it, one day all the little things might get to you and you’ll blow up like the crazy chick that you probably are deep down.

If you’re the type of girl who loves to rag on your guy when he’s annoying you, but never commend him for his kinder gestures, he probably holds some secret resentment towards you. Nobody likes to constantly be told what they’re doing wrong, but never congratulated when they do something right. It’s cool that you can be honest about when he’s fucking up (i.e: “Can you stop commenting fire emojis on that chick’s Instagram selfie?), but it’s also cool to let him know when he’s making you happy (which hopefully balance out the times that he’s pissing you off).

Explain WHY Rather Than What

Sometimes, you finally get the courage to tell your dude that you’re upset about something, but you can’t bring yourself to tell him why. This is a big part of the communication process, and withholding the true reason of your feelings is doing both of you a disservice. For example, if your dude takes you to Chipotle for your anniversary dinner, you might be upset. However, telling him that you’re upset might also upset him because he may assume that you’re mad that he didn’t take you to a more fancy restaurant and he then gets angry at your high-maintenance demands because he’s broke. If you explained that the real reason you were upset about Chipotle is because you hate Mexican food, then he would understand and apologize for not knowing your food preferences better.

Use Your Voice During (Or After) Sex

Couples who have generally good communication all around tend to fall short in the bedroom. In fact, it’s one of the biggest mistakes women make in bed, according to dudes. Unlike guys, we women have more specific preferences of what we do like and what we don’t like in bed. We can give guys hints to when they’re hitting the right spots with some moaning and bedroom talk, but sometimes you need to formulate full sentences (not just, “oh yeah, baby”) to let your man know what works and what doesn’t. If you’ve been dying to try a doctor roleplay, let him know. If it turns you off when he motorboats you, let him know that too. Sex should be a mutually beneficial activity, but if you’re not getting off then it’s doubtful that either of you are having that good of a time.

Remember He is Not a Mindreader 

A good guy will take note of the things that you like and the things that you don’t like, but even if you’ve been dating for months, or even years, he’s never going to be able to read your mind. If you’re in a new relationship, this rings even more true. Think back to the shittiest Christmas/Birthday gift you’ve ever received from a boyfriend (0ne year I received an empty picture frame from Urban Outfitters), and realize that guys really don’t always know what we want. There’s a reason that Christmas lists exist, and there’s also a reason that you have a voice, to tell your dude what you want rather than making him guess. Just like when he asks you what to eat and you say “I Don’t Know” (but you are secretly craving sushi burritos), it annoys him more that he has to try to guess what you want rather than you spitting it out. Everyone likes a little mystery, but if you like to get what you want, go out there are get it.

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