All the KUWTK Season 12 Premiere Plotlines, Ranked
“Keeping Up With the Kardashians” premiered Sunday night for its 12th season, meaning this show has outlasted “Twin Peaks,” “The O.C.,” and “Freaks and Geeks” combined.
And why shouldn’t it? It’s entertaining af.
Now that the Kardashian-Jenners are bona fide A-listers who also tend to Snapchat their every move, the show is a mix of storylines we’ve already seen play out on our iPhones weeks ago, and fresh content. Here is a definitive ranking of this episode’s nine major and very minor plotlines.
9. Kylie is having eyelash issues.
There’s a scene early in the episode where Kylie is attempting to yank an eyelash out of her head while talking to Khloé, and it’s basically her only few lines in the episode.
An unruly lash extension might sound like a made-up problem, but have you ever had eyelash extensions? Not only are they heavy, they also lurk in your peripheral vision 24/7, making you feel like there’s a little roof over your eyes.
Plus sometimes one of them goes rogue, and you keep thinking you see a person out of the corner of your eye so you jump and grab a weapon to defend yourself, then you realize it’s actually just an eyelash. Stressful.
Anyway, that’s what Kylie’s going through right now in this episode so let’s pray for her.
8. Lamar’s recovery
Lamar’s recovery obviously ranks number one in our hearts at all times, but as a storyline, it comes in eighth place because we’ve already been reading about it in the tabloids for months.
As Lamar continues to recover from a near-death experience in Vegas, as one does, Khloé is helping him acclimate to the real world again by furnishing an entire house for the “seven-foot-tall man.” It’s stressful, though: she’s supposed to be prepping for a press trip for her book, but she has to find Lamar some giant furniture first.
Sidenote: Lamar’s house looks gorg. How is he not out of money yet? Let’s chalk this one up to Mama Kris’s money management skills.
While Lamar’s house gets furnished by an underling, Khloé appears on every single morning show. Kardashian makeup kween Joyce Bonelli makes an appearance too, which is fun. Her blonde hair and Khloé’s blonde hair are both so perfect, though, that it’s hard to focus on the matter at hand in the scene rather than staring at their ‘dos and wondering if your hair is capable of ever being that blonde.
Back in Calabasas, after Lamar’s massive mansion is furnished, Khloé thanks Kris for her help and casually admits that she and the other sisters should stop “verbally abusing” Kris. Kris agrees with a smile, and some cutesy happy music plays.
Andy Cohen also has a cameo in this storyline, but it’s no fun.
7. Caitlyn is ON ONE.
Caitlyn’s being a diva, you guys. IDGAF.
Apparently Khloé said something that rubbed Cait the wrong way on Howard Stern’s radio show, so Cait called her and told Khloé to “get a life and shut up.” Real mature.
Khloé FaceTimes Kris to tell her about it. She makes sure to turn on her LuMee case throughout the call so that her mom will be viewing her in the best light possible.
Kris then calls Caitlyn and cries, saying things like, “We’re the parents. You were her dad since she was five years old, give her a break.” WHICH IS FAIR. Come on, Caitlyn. Let’s get over ourselves.
6. Scott is still learning his lesson
Again, this is another plot that just seems to keep going and going, in the tabloids and on the show. Will Scott ever learn? Probs to def not.
Scott’s moved into a new house closer to his kids, which was big of him, and he’s excited because his kids have been decorating their own rooms. He’s got a beard now and is giving off major Shia Labeouf vibes.
Khloé casually suggests Scott will probably “find a girl” to take over his closets soon, and Scott fibs, “I’m not thinking about that, to be honest.” SURE, SCOTT. SURE.
Scott also notes that he’s depressed and it’s lonely to live in a big house. Can’t he and Kourtney just get back together?!
Later in the episode, Scott goes missing per usual. We also learn that Scott and Tyga have been hanging out in Scott’s lonely mansion nonstop, which is this storyline’s saving grace and the reason it’s ranked sixth and not last. Scott and Tyga’s friendship is a fun fact indeed. It’s nice when the men of the Kardashian universe can find some common ground!
5. Blac Chyna appears (in spirit)
Chyna, Chyna, Chyna. I can’t help but think of that Trump video of him saying China over and over. That’s what to expect this season, I guess.
Basically, we’re all already sick of the Blac Chyna storyline and it’s barely even started yet in the grand scheme of things, but there were a few fun scenes based around it in this particular episode
The artist soon to be known as Angela Kardashian is mentioned for the first time when Khloé complains to Scott that she walked in on Rob and Chyna hanging out together with “alcohol everywhere.” Khloé is OVER IT, and says Rob has to leave her house. He’s “burned his last bridge,” she says.
“Bible I want my iPad, my pen, and my keyboard back,” Kendall says on the phone to Rob.
“What pen?” Rob says, his voice dripping with disdain.
“If you’re not using it, I have someone who’s dying for it,” Kendall says — which is kind of ironic. She wants Rob to de-re-gift her gift… so that she can re-gift it to someone else? But whatever, it is her iPad (that she probably got for free from some brand anyway).
The best part of this whole storyline is Kylie’s manic smile as all of the drama goes down, because we all know how exciting it can be to relay some steaming hot deets to your sister about someone you mutually despise.
Next, the Blac Chyna issue comes up again as the family argues about whether Kris should be buying Rob a house or not. It is pretty crazy — all Rob had to do to get a free house and stop living with Khloé was date Blac Chyna? That’s some serious strategizing and I kind of respect it.
This is also the scene that features the “72-day marriage” mic drop from Kris and it’s great.
4. Kourtney is nervous to go on “Ellen”
This is a cute storyline. Kourtney is basically making her first big media appearance since becoming a Hot Single Mom and/or “the old Kourtney again,” and she’s terrified. It’s not that relatable a problem, but it’s a good Kourtney plot. The cutest part is when Kris tells someone Kourtney is “insecure” to go on Ellen and Kourtney is like, “MOOOOM! I’M NOT INSECUUUUURE!”
Kourtney tells Ellen that she and Scott are not together in case anyone still didn’t get the memo. And Ellen cheekily asks, “Does Justin Bieber help with the kids?” It’s fun that they included that part in the episode but also leads us to believe that the hookup between these two is very real.
Kris also gets mad at Kourtney for drinking “calming” tea before Ellen. And it’s like, yeah Kourt, take a Xanax like a normal person. This health obsession has gone too far.
3. Kim’s bodily functions
Kim’s body continues to be a staple of her conversational repertoire and we love her for it.
The 12th season of the best show on television opens with Kim juggling bags of cabbage in varying colors. Why? Because she’s thinking about putting the cabbage leaves on her nipples to make breastfeeding Beautiful Boy Saint easier, she says. Then, the only two images of Saint we’ve ever seen flash on the screen. Why aren’t there any more pics of Saint yet? Where is Saint?! #freesaint
Then Kim falls asleep on the couch because she’s so tired from having two kids. Honestly the amount Kim complains about having kids leads me to believe she’s the only celeb who actually pays attention to her kids. It’s v relatable.
A few scenes later, Kim’s prepping to make her big ~*post-baby debut*~ by trying on wigs in Kris’s bathroom and FaceTiming Khloé about it. Stars, they’re just like us.
Then, Kim announces at dinner that if she’s pregnant again she’ll slit her wrists, and Kris says if Kim’s pregnant again she’ll also slit her own wrists. Immediately after, Kim announces that she’s been told her vagina looks perfect despite having had two kids. It might seem weird to say this at dinner, but I understand Kim’s need to share this info because last week my Brazilian waxer estimated my age to be a full six years younger than it actually is. It’s the little victories that matter most, you know?
2. Kris pronounces “portrait” “poitrait”
That’s according to Kourtney. This would be number one but we need to see the receipts. Can someone find me a video of Kris saying “poitrait”?
1. Kris and Scott are besties
Yes, this plot takes the top spot just because of sheer cuteness.
Before Scott mysteriously disappears, Kris is trying to “be there” for him while he adjusts to ummm… living alone in a mansion? Idk. They go out to lunch together. They take a healthy cooking class together. They have a really cute dynamic and great onscreen chemistry. If they had their own talk show “Live! With Kelly and Michael”-style, there’s no way it would get canceled.
It’s also nice that Scott is trying to get on board with Kourtney’s health nazi ways. Apparently, Mason wants to hang out at Scott’s house all the time because Scott lets him eat Cap’n Crunch. Instead of rubbing his hands together and saying “muahaha, my kids like me better,” Scott is learning how to replace all sugary breakfast cereals with turkey metaballs. Admirable!
Kris and Scott also go shopping to get kitchen supplies, and Kourtney stops by to force him to buy white towels and washcloths.
“As a friend, I’m totally okay with [helping him decorate his kitchen],” she explains. They look really happy to see each other.
Scott’s main decorating goal, he says, is to make the house look as Kardashian-like as possible so that the Kardashians will still want to hang out with him. Awww.
Later this season…
The fam takes in Kanye’s fashion show and Khloé, Kendall, and Kylie dress in disguises to go on a Hollywood celeb bus tour. Can’t wait!