8 Gifts For That Special Frenemy In Your Life
Friendships can be complicated, and while some people would say it’s unhealthy to hold on to friendships where both parties secretly wish failure upon each other, we know that real life is more complicated than telling that special frenemy in your life, “it’s not me, it’s you, you awful, selfish person.”
So this holiday season, instead of setting aside your deep feelings of jealousy, bitterness or loathing to cough up $50 for the perfect present, here’s 8 gifts that’ll show your frenemy what you really think of her.
1. A mix CD
While a mix CD is a perfectly acceptable gift to get in high school from the boy you spent all semester crushing on, when you think about it, mid CDs are super condescending.
When you give somebody a mix CD you’re essentially saying, here’s a lot of cool songs you’ve never heard of because you have bad taste in music and are significantly lamer than me.
Plus, it’s a CD.
CDs are so obsolete that most new computers don’t even come with built-in CD drives anymore, which is a great way to remind your frenemy that she’s the worst and you only keep her around because breaking up would take too much effort.
2. A big box of condoms
Sex is one of the most important things in life, and most of don’t think we’re having the optimal amount of it. Buying your frenemy a big box of condoms is either a great way to play mind games with her.
If she’s currently having a lot of sex, she’ll probably think you’re calling her a slut, and if she hasn’t had sex in months, she’ll be pissed that you just gave her a giant reminder of her barren existence.
3. A gift card for $10 or less
Nothings says “I didn’t feel like putting any effort into getting you a gift” quite like a gift card, and nothing says “I’m getting you this gift because I have to not because I want to” like giving somebody a gift card for $10 or less.
4. Something you bought on sale
It’s rude to give somebody a gift with the price tag still on it, especially when it turns out that your thoughtful gift came from the bargain rack at the 99 cent store.
5. Bake her something high in fat, carbs and gluten
There’s nothing women tend to hate more than eating their body weight in carbs, so this year, show your frenemy how much you care by giving her something that won’t help her fit into her skinny jeans.
Find the most calorie and gluten-filled recipe you can find and stand there saying, “I hope it tastes good” until you guilt her into cutting herself a big ol’ slice—or even better, get her drunk so she’ll try and eat the entire thing.
And if your frenemy is one of those girls who’s not a psycho about her weight, try “accidentally” forgetting a key ingredient like sugar or baking soda. When she realizes you’ve given her a stinking turd of a baked good, just shrug and say, “Oh well, better luck next year.”
6. A shady Groupon
This year, prey on your bestie’s biggest insecurities by subtly implying she’s a hot mess who needs to fix herself.
Just buy her a Groupon for a mani/pedi, eyebrow waxing, Botox, braces or an exercise class.
She’ll get the memo.
7. A bottle of your perfume
Buying somebody perfume is always kind of shady, but buying your frenemy a bottle of your perfume is a great way to remind them they just stink compared to you.
8. A picture of the two of you where you look great, but she looks like shit
Nothing says “I still value our friendship but I’ll always have the upper hand on you” than gifting your frenemy a picture where you look great, but she looks like a hot mess.
Because it’s reeking of sentimental value, she’ll have to say it’s cute and hang it up in a place where you can see it and if she ever takes it down, you can tell everybody what a bitch she is, so make sure to take plenty of pictures while you still can.
Ah, the joys of friendship.