11 Weight Loss Tips That’ll Make You Laugh And/Or Cry
If you’ve never tried anything crazy to lose weight, you’re either lying or you’re genetically blessed.
As for the rest of us, even those of us who “don’t believe in diets,” we have tried some type of crazy diet, or workout plan, or waist trainer, in attempts to look like our fave celebs, Instagram models, or simply a “better” version of ourselves.
So naturally, when my editor and I stumbled across this article from Health about “surprising ways to lose weight,” we were intrigued. But the further I got down on the list, the more I wanted to laugh at myself for always looking for “hacks” to stay healthier or lose more weight.
And I know I’m not the only one that’s fucking crazy. Here’s a list of weight loss tips that go way beyond the “eat vegetables” or “eat a big breakfast.” Sure, maybe they’ll work, but maybe we should also all stop being such psychos?
1. Waste Your Money
“Buy an outfit in your healthiest size and hang it on your bedroom door as a reminder of your goal” suggests Charles D’Angelo, author of “Think and Grow Thin.”
Okay, thankfully, there are plenty of other sources who tell you that this is the exact opposite of what you should do. Don’t waste money on a $200 pair of skinny jeans that you’ll never not have muffin tops in unless you legit starve yourself. That’s not fucking healthy, for your waistline or your wallet, not to mention your mental health.
2. Go Blue-Da-Ba-Dee-Da-Ba-Dye
“Researchers have found that people eat 33 percent less in a blue room,” according to Reader’s Digest. “So eat on blue plates, dress in blue while you eat, and use a blue tablecloth. Avoid red, yellow, and orange; studies find they encourage eating.”
Why bother with interior design when you could just paint everything blue in order to stay thin? Sounds like a great plan to us.
3. Become The Best/Worst Roommate Ever
“If you live with people who like to indulge, buy treats for them that you don’t like yourself,” suggests Jamie Goldberg, 51, an interior designer in Bonita, California who lost 97 pounds.
Why lose weight when you can just make your friends and family fat? And therefore, you’ll look skinnier by default! Also, I’m not convinced this would work. When I’m on a diet, I like everything, specifically everything that I’m not supposed to eat. Sure, maybe sugar cookies aren’t my fave, but if I’ve eaten no sweets for an entire week, I’ll eat a whole box of sugar cookies.
4. Fill Your Purse With Deli Meat
“After a sweet treat, eat half a slice of deli turkey to keep you from wanting more,” suggests Jennifer McDaniel, RD, spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.
Is this why the phrase is “cold turkey?” Because you’re supposed to casually pop half a slice of turkey in your mouth like a tic-tac after every “indulgence?” Can’t wait to hear the nickname you get from constantly carrying around deli turkey (and probably also smelling like it).
5. We’re Calling BS On This One
“Can’t give up the bread basket? Use olive oil instead of butter,” suggests Health. “You’ll eat 23 percent less bread and 16 percent fewer calories, according to a 2003 study in the International Journal of Obesity,”
I don’t know about you guys, but olive oil makes bread way more delicious than butter does, in my opinion. Also, 23% less bread doesn’t sound like anything worth writing home about.
6. Brainwash Yourself Thin
“Think of an image of yourself fit,” suggests Dr. Robert Maurer of the California Health & Longevity Institute. “When a craving occurs, picture the image. With repetition, your brain will replace the craving with the image.”
7. Just Have a Shitload of Sex
“Food cravings usually pass within 10 minutes,” explains Coral Arvon, PhD, director of behavioral health and wellness at the Pritikin Longevity Center + Spa. “Distract yourself by calling a friend, walking, meditating, having sex, Facebooking, or painting your nails.
Imagine if you had sex every time you had a craving. You’d have a very happy lover and/or probably pull a muscle in your vagina. Also, what the fuck is “Facebooking”?
8. Eat Like a Two-Year-Old
“Eat slowly by using chopsticks or your non-dominant hand,” suggests Health.
Okay, if you are eating something that’s traditionally eaten with chopsticks, do your thing. But eating with your non-dominant hand? Not only could that be messy, but it will likely make you look a bit strange to whoever you’re eating with. Unless you always eat by yourself, then congrats, you can be a skinny loser!
9. DIY A Waist Trainer
“A number of French women wear a ribbon around their waist and underneath their clothes when they go out for dinner,” says fitness guru Valeria Orsoni. “It keeps them conscious of the tummy—particularly if the ribbon starts to feel tighter as the evening goes on!”
Okay, at what point to “weight loss tips” become a straight up eating disorder? Because this does not sound healthy at all.
10. Start Casually Snorting Peppermint
People may think that super models from the 80s were snorting coke to stay thin, but maybe they were just snorting peppermint?
Women’s Health says that “smelling peppermint on the regular may help lower hunger levels and calorie intake.” So put down that dollar bill and pick up those fresh herbs! It’s not like you’ll look weird carrying peppermint around at all times or casually sniffing it behind your desk.
11. Have a Food Buddy
Hmm… I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like any girl who’s had a long term boyfriend can say that this a lie. In fact, I personally feel like having a boyfriend makes me gain weight, since I’m suddenly eating out all the time with bae. But if you think this’ll work, you do you. Instead of getting a fuck buddy, just get a food buddy, a.k.a a dude that will constantly come over when you’re about to eat a meal. Sounds lit.