We Spent a Weekend Together, But He’s Still Using Tinder
Welcome back to Ask Tinderella, where we answer your most burning and possibly tragic questions about the dating quagmire we all know as Tinder. This round: a king of red flags rears his ugly head.
Me and my partner (he’s not “officially” my boyfriend) have been seeing each other since February. We met over Tinder. We have gone out on dates twice and we spent all of last weekend together because he said he wanted to spend more time with me. Everything went perfect, we made out, had sex, cuddled while watching online movies, strolled to the mall, I also cooked him dinner.
I noticed every time he’s checking up on his phone, he turns his phone so that I can’t see his screen. I also noticed that he never leaves his phone out of his sight (example: he brings his phone into the bathroom). I didn’t want to be that psycho bitch whose sneaking up on his phone while he’s asleep, but it’s been bothering me.
On our last day during the stay, I saw a WhatsApp notification come up on his screen, the name was “Xiao San” with the double pink heart emoji next to the name. There were multiple messages, but I was only able to see the last text that says “Please do” with a smiling emoji and that same double pink heart emoji. I asked my Chinese co-worker on Monday when I came to work, and she said that “Xiao San” means third party, and is often used as another word for “mistress.”
During the weekend, I also heard a Tinder notification come from his phone and I asked him why is he still on Tinder. He didn’t straight away answer me, instead he asked me, “Why? Are you jealous?” I was like, “Of course I am! It just doesn’t seem right to use a hookup/dating app when you are seeing me.” I deleted Tinder after he asked for my number because I wanted to focus on my relationship with him. He said that although he is still using Tinder, he’s not very active on that app. He said he knows his limit and he wouldn’t dare to do something that ruins our relationship. I demanded he delete his Tinder.
Another thing that bothered me is that he brings up his past relationships when in conversation, which I don’t think is necessary on a second date. When I asked him why, he said that the reason he’s telling me about his past relationship is because he wants me to know that he doesn’t want to put a label in our relationship.
He had no idea that I am currently having this anxiety because I was so afraid of losing him because I have done so many intimate things with him but I also am not a fan of how he behaves. What should I do? How do I cope with these mixed feelings? Despite that I felt absolutely not okay, he’s a completely one kind of a different guy from my previous dudes. He is so thoughtful towards me. He makes an effort to see me. He texts me although he is busy. He listens to my advice. He does something religious that I asked him to. He calls me baby although he doesn’t want us to be official yet. Is this normal? Do you think he is serious about me?
Hey girl, I hope you’re sitting down, because I’m about to get real with you.
It’s totally okay to meet a guy through Tinder, and there are definitely some gems on there that are boyfriend material. But the dude you’re describing sounds like the type of guy that makes girls avoid Tinder altogether. Translation: he sounds like a player. And you sound like you want something way more serious than what he wants.
Dating is in a super casual place right now. Some people don’t delete Tinder after multiple dates with someone, and some people don’t consider someone their girlfriend after having sex with them. Also, many people don’t consider themselves in a serious relationship after just three dates — even if they do spend a long weekend together.
But regardless of what everyone else is doing, the biggest thing you need to question is if you and this guy are on the same page. From your email, it doesn’t sound like you are.
It sounds like you want to be in a monogamous relationship, and he’s trying to play the field. If he wasn’t, there’s no reason why he should still be using Tinder. Tinder is a dating app, it doesn’t matter if he’s not “very active on the app,” or not. It’s an app used for dating and/or hook-ups. If he’s still using it, it means he’s seeing other girls (or at least trying to) and the fact that he’s sketchy about his phone usage also supports that theory.
Any guy who makes a point to say he’s “not into labels” is bad news. If you’re into labels and you’re looking for a boyfriend, you shouldn’t put up with his bullshit. He’s only stressing you out and making you question your own worth and making you feel like you’re being “crazy,” which you’re really not.
On the other hand, if he did warn you that he’s not into labels, you should’ve taken it as a sign that you shouldn’t spend too much time on him. You shouldn’t waste time cooking him dinner, or deleting Tinder. You sound like you’ve been communicating the way you feel about things to him, so he should know that you want something more serious. He’s given you a zillion red flags. Let’s lay them out so you can digest them:
1. He’s sketchy about his phone
2. He specifically said he isn’t into labels (a fuckboy’s favorite phrase)
3. He’s texting someone with the name “mistress” in his phone
4. He’s still using Tinder (and is trying to convince you that it’s okay!)
5. He’s hung up on past relationships
6. He’s already giving you anxiety!
7. He calls you “baby,” a great way for him to not mix up your name and another girl’s name
I know you probably want the answers as to why he’s spending a weekend with you if he doesn’t want to date you or why he’s still using Tinder even though he claims he’s not using it seriously, but the answers to those questions don’t matter.
The bigger reason is that guys like him are psychopaths and at the end of the day they are all bad news. You’re never going to have a healthy relationship with this guy and from the sound of it, that’s what you’re hoping for. If he thinks he can play you, he doesn’t deserve your time of day and definitely not any physical attention from you. In some cases, I would say to keep a guy like this around as a Plan B for when you want some attention or need a last minute hot date, but he’s already fucked with your head too much and you need to cut him out completely.
And, as a quick reminder, a guy who “texts you when he’s busy” and “makes an effort to see you” isn’t Prince Charming, he’s simply doing what should be expected of a guy you’re dating. One day, you’ll find a dude that does all of these basic things, plus actually treats you right and doesn’t send you mixed signals like this guy does.