The 7 Guys You’ll Meet At Coachella
At any music festival where there are girls in barely there bikinis, there’s bound to be a slew of douchey guys to go along with them. Obviously, Coachella is no exception. Amid the trendy af blogger babes, college chicks, and notable celeb hotties, there is a special slew of Coachella douchebags for you to avoid during the three day festival.
1. The Guy Who Swears He Knows Zedd
Within seconds of your conversation, this dude is dropping names like it’s nobody’s business. He swears he’s “bros” with Zedd, and that he was in the background of Kylie Jenner’s Snap story once. The weird thing is, despite all of his alleged celeb connections, this dude has no VIP bracelets to speak of, just a infinity sign tattoo on his upper bicep.
2. The Guy Who Quizzes You On The Lineup
You like to think that you’re not one of those people who only goes to Coachella to take selfies. You’re a big fan of a lot of the artists, and really enjoy most of the music. But somehow, you end up with a guy in a Death Grips T-shirt who says, “Oh really, you like Joywave? Name every album, including EPs, along with each member’s middle name and horoscope sign please.” As you begin to stutter and contort your face into a confused grimace, he retorts, “It’s okay, I get it, you’re just not a real fan. We can still make out if you want.”
3. The Guy Who Might Be Having a Mid-Life Crisis
One of the cool things about Coachella is that they book emerging artists alongside of older established acts. One of the not cool things about Coachella is you may black-in from your blackout and realize you’ve been sitting next to a middle-aged man with a hoop earring for the duration of the past three sets. As you try to escape the situation, he starts telling you about his “groovy” house in Palm Springs and his stories from touring with Soundgarden in the 90s.
4. The Guy Who’s Here For The Party
He claims he’s here for the music, but nods like a braindead bobblehead with a beer as you tell him who you’re planning on watching this weekend. You can tell that he’s trying to appear somewhat reformed for you since you’re a “total babe,” but you don’t fail to notice his douchey frat bros playing beer pong by their tent in neon tank tops and scuffed up sperrys. You also don’t fail to notice that despite their bulging biceps, it seems that every single one of them has skipped leg day.
5. The Guy Who’s Sunburnt AF
It seems that any time a group of guys are unsupervised by a female, they can’t take care of themselves. Putting on sunscreen is no exception. As you wait in the food line day two, you start chatting up a guy who looks like he may be a red-colored cousin of Avatar, complete with a sunglasses tan. Does he know he’s going to be in so much pain tomorrow? Probably not. Does he put on suntan lotion today to reduce the burn from getting worse? Probably not.
6. The Trust Fund Baby
He could be your sugar daddy, but you’re pretty sure he’s younger than you. Seriously, who takes their BMW to camp out in a desert? Then again, his cabana style tent looks way nicer than the cheap tent you got for yourself off of Amazon. Maybe you should bite the bullet and deal with his pretentious ignorance so you can live your Coachella life of luxury?
7. The Guy Who Wastes No Time
Why spend time trying to chat up girls during Mike Snow’s act when you could just be tindering during the set breaks? This guy made sure to put a recent pic of him on his Tinder profile, and to type out “Let’s hang out at Coachella, I’ll pitch a tent for you ;)” in his bio.
All illustrations by Mi Gerer