Pokémon Go Is More Popular Than Tinder, Probs Won’t Get You Laid

We reported earlier today that millennials are too stressed to have sex. Well, we might also be too busy collecting god damn Squirtles to get laid, too, if the App Store numbers are any indication.

If you don’t live under a rock, you or someone you know has probably downloaded Pokémon Go. The virtual-reality smartphone game has been taking the world by storm using the cute creatures we forgot about since the early 2000s.

And now the weird part: it’s officially more popular than Tinder. Yes, Pokémon Go has been downloaded on 5 percent of Android smartphones, while Tinder has only been downloaded on about 2 percent, according to SimilarWeb.

So yes, guys officially care about Pokémon more than they care about getting laid. And perhaps more importantly, most of these guys probably haven’t matured since Pokémon first became trendy in the US around 1999.

I won’t lie, Pokémon Go looks pretty fun, and I was almost attempted to test it out. But it looks way too addicting. I already don’t have enough time in the day to get done all that needs to get done, and I have a feeling the distraction of trying to catch Bulbosaurs IRL wouldn’t help.

In fact, according to Jim Windolf’s research into America’s recent obsession with cuteness, he found that viewing cute things (such as cat videos or masses of Jigglypuffs strolling down the street) really is addicting to the human brain.

But the main difference between Tinder and Pokémon Go, aside from Pokémon’s winning of the popularity contest, is that people aren’t embarrassed to be playing Pokémon Go. When Tinder came out in 2012, it was only cool to admit to using it if you used it as a joke. Guys didn’t admit to using it to get laid because they couldn’t spit game in person. Girls didn’t admit to meeting their boyfriends on there. Even today, guys on Tinder will initiate conversations with lines like “we can tell your parents we met at yoga class.”

While working in a coffee shop today, I listened to two guys (who were also supposed to be working, mind you) talk about Pokémon Go for at least an hour, but probably two.

Sure, guys talk about their latest Tinder matches or the chick they are “totally going to bone” this weekend, but not to this extent and not with this much unashamed enthusiasm. Not to mention the countless social media posts that guys (and girls) have unabashedly put up showing where they caught a Clefairy or found a “gym.”

Speaking of the gym, Pokémon Go’s one saving grace is that if your boyfriend is going to actually have to walk around to get his video game fix, instead of sitting on his couch playing all day and getting out of shape. But Pokémon’s “on the go” structure also means that he’s probably going to be “catching them all” when you’re supposed to be doing things normal humans do, like talk to each other. Unlike his Xbox, it’s much more difficult to “unplug” his smartphone.

Why is more embarrassing to be playing a video game 24/7 than it is to try to fill a basic human need — sex? I’m still not sure. But the fact that we’re having less sex and getting more stressed might have something to do with it. After all, why should guys spend time and money trying to get blow job when they could just take a walk and throw some Poké balls before jerking off to some porn? Come to think of it, someone should definitely come out with a Pokémon porn parody right about now. I’m sure that’s the missing link that dudes have been waiting for.

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