How Worried You Should Be About Dying Alone, Based On Your Fave Dating App
Some dating apps hold a residency on any single person’s phone, while some are so obscure that you wonder just how desperate the person using it is. Not all dating apps are created equal, and there’s a reason why people brag about their Tinder matches and not the latest “hottie” they chatted up on Match.com. Here’s a definitive ranking of how desperate you’ve gotten based on what dating app you’re using currently.
1. Tinder
There was a time when people didn’t even download Tinder to go on dates (or f*ck), they legit just downloaded it because swiping people’s faces was fun. It’s like playing hot or not with real people, not to mention the ego-boost you’d get when you saw how many people thought you were hot (before you learned guys basically swipe right on everyone).
Because Tinder is largely still regarded as a “hookup” app, people can download it while still looking “chill” and not totally despo. And in reality, they’re probably not despo, they probably just need a confidence boost or are sick of hanging out with the same 10 dudes all the time.
2. Bumble
Bumble was created by one of the women who helped Tinder in the early stages, so it makes sense that Bumble is right on Tinder’s coattails when it comes to dating app respectability. Bumble is the place where girls turn after they’re sick of receiving dick pics and first messages that say “DTF?” It’s the place where guys turn when they’re sick of spamming all their matches with “hey what’s up?” only to get two responses.
3. OkCupid
Just the name “OkCupid” makes this sound a bit more serious. I mean Cupid, really? What could be more reminiscent of someone obviously looking for love and not just a quickie? But still, OkCupid is pretty mainstream, and online dating is nothing to be ashamed about these days, it’s f*cking 2016. If you’ve exhausted Tinder and Bumble and created an OkCupid profile, all is not necessarily lost.
4. Happn
Happn’s whole “missed connections” vibe and the fact that it’s mainly based on appearances just like Tinder and Bumble make it pretty casual. But because it’s less well known than Tinder or Bumble, it’s assumed that anyone on Happn has already probably tried the former and is now resorting to Happn in attempts to meet Mr. Right.
5. CoffeeMeetsBagel
CoffeeMeetsBagel is for the person who was sick of Tinder’s overwhelming shit. It’s also for the people who think the reason they haven’t found a boo yet is because they just couldn’t focus on one person with all the people on Tinder or Bumble. Okay Goldilocks, have fun with CoffeeMeetsBagel. And if it does work, have fun cringeing as you repeat its asinine name every time someone asks how you met bae.
6. Hinge
Okay, who even uses Hinge? We’re not even quite sure about the demographic for this app. But, if you’ve gotten all the way down to hinge, you’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel. At this point in your life, maybe you should just try meeting people IRL? If you can’t explain an app’s rules to your oldest aunt, it might be an embarrassing app.
7. Match
Does Match even have an app? Or is it only on an old-school computer screen? Either way, we all know that people on Match are looking for a “soul mate” or a second husband, or whatever. And we also know that the harder you’re searching for a bae, the harder it seems to be to find one.
8. JDate — Without the Judaism
If you’re not Jewish, but you figured you’d give JDate (or ChristianMingle or whatever else) a whirl because you’ve heard religious guys are more likely to put a ring on it, you might need to check yourself. Maybe take a dating app hiatus for a while. You could use one.
