Dick Pics (And Other Shit We Don’t Want This V-Day)
Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say: WE DON’T WANT YOUR DICK PICS OR FLOWERS!
Valentine’s Day is one of the holidays I dread every year. Not because I’m some bitter bitch, not because I can’t stand the thought of others’ happiness, not because I’m single, not because this will be another holiday spent with my girls getting drunk off cheap wine (and later getting into an argument with my neighbors that could have been equivalent to an episode of ‘The Bad Girls Club’ ) Nooo, never that. I dread this holiday because it’s a day where boys are extra thirsty and some tend to give shitty gifts.
1. Dick Pics – I don’t want to see a picture of your dick show up in a text message at 9 in the morning, let alone randomly in the afternoon. I don’t want to see it and certainly didn’t ask for it. Guys, just stop. Dick pics are overdone, awkward and (sorry) but I could care less. I’d rather just see it in person, when I WANT.
2. Flowers – Flowers die, really quickly. We don’t want your bouquet of flowers or even a single rose. Especially edible roses. (Edible flowers of any kind remind me of a middle schooler’s idea of a V-Day gift).
3. Dinner with Dad – Okay, so nothing wrong with a little father daughter bonding time, but I can’t tell you how many times my dad has asked to take me out to dinner on Vday. So sweet, but it gets a little awkward when the waitress brings out desert with 2 spoons and expects us to share it….(yes, this happened to me). With the amount of sugar daddies in New York, I guess I can’t be completely surprised…
4. Drug- Store Teddy Bears – Nothing says ‘you’re not getting any pussy’ like a cheap stuffed animal pulled out of the *current holiday* dollar section. Yikes! Sounds like a scrub to me.
5. Heart-Shaped Jewelry – How cliché. Unless you are 8 years old or younger, you aren’t going to wear this shit. Give me a heart-shaped anything and you will quickly see a broken heart.
6. Gym Membership – A terrible choice for obvious reasons, unless that reason is for us to get even hotter and find a hotter boyfriend to go with our new bod.
7. Matching Shit – Don’t be one of those couples. Just don’t.
8. Box of Chocolates – Way too expected, and something I always get pissed at myself for quickly indulging in (because I always finish the entire box the first day).
So this year, as that tragic day approaches…drop some hints for that special someone and brace yourself, for the dick pics will likely still come your way.
