Don’t Be The Bitter Single Friend: Here’s How

With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, and cuffing season in full swing, everyone seems to be settling down. Your friend that was single a month ago? Is now professing her love for her boyfriend that popped out of nowhere. That random chick from your art class in high school? Engaged at 21 years old. So, where does that leave those of us that are as single as a box of pizza flavored Pringles (which we consumed in full while watching The Bachelor this week)?

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I’m actually very happily single, at least 95% of the time. I date very frequently (hello, free food), but just have very high standards and have way too much going on in my life right now for a serious relationship. You should be happily single too. Because that’s the thing about relationships, when they’re good, they’re so good. But when they’re bad, they’re horrendous.

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However, I admit that I am a bit too judgmental (or maybe cynical) of those who don’t have the same mindset as me on relationships. For example, those girls that start planning the wedding with the guy that took them out to dinner once. Or the chicks that deal with their boyfriend’s bullshit 24/7 and when he does one nice thing (such as buying her curly fries from Arby’s) he’s suddenly “the bestest.”

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These situations tends to leave me making passive aggressive and/ or sarcastic comments to my friends that are in relationships, as well as not bothering to ask anything about their relationship as long as I can avoid it. However, this probably leaves me looking like the bitter single friend who secretly wants a boyfriend, no matter how much I act nonchalant. Or maybe, you are the bitter single friend, own that shit girl. But now that you’ve admitted it, here’s how to conceal it.

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1. Ask how he (or she) is doing

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Whether you like it or not, someone’s significant other is a big part of their life. Therefore, it is polite to ask something like “how is Jake doing?” or “What did you guys do for New Years together” or “Does he still have a baby dick that forces you fake your orgasms?”

2. Don’t hang out with them in small groups unless ABSOLUTELY necessary

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While you may like your friend’s boyfriend initially, there’s nothing worse than having to deal with your friend and her boo’s PDA, inside jokes, and overall lameness once they start getting serious. The best way to not want to rip your eyes out, is to avoid hanging out with them in small groups (or god forbid third wheeling). You may want to come up with a list of excuses as to why you can’t join them in their “fun” activities, or you can be like me and ask them why on earth they think I’d want to hang out with just the two of them alone.

3. DON’T let them set you up on a double and/or blind date

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This is a common misconception of people in relationships, they think everybody wants to be in relationships and are always trying to “help” by trying to set you up with their friends. I’m sorry girlie, but if your pretentious Ivy league boyfriend has other friends just like him, I would like to avoid them as well as possible, not have to sit through a grueling dinner with him AND you and your boyfriend. Need encouragement? Just check out one of our bad date stories..

4. But, keep your message clear

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Although sometimes it’s best to just grin and bear it, if your friend’s boo is actually a douchebag, treating her wrong, or secretly grabbing your ass when your friend’s not looking, you need to tell her. If she doesn’t want to listen to you, at least you tried and it’s nothing worth fighting about. But, guys come and go, and if your friend is a true friend she will value your opinion regardless.

Or you can just, not take any of my advice, and be that bitch wearing all black on Valentine’s Day, targeting dirty looks at any couple in your path.

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