6 Texts You’ll Receive As Cuffing Season Begins

Cuffing season is really a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at it. If you’re talking to someone, it could possibly be a good thing. Perhaps he’ll actually want to settle down once he realizes that girls aren’t running around in their bikinis anymore and that he doesn’t want to have to leave the house to score pussy? Perhaps you won’t have to begrudgingly go out in leather shorts in the winter in attempts to find a snuggle buddy?

However, if you’re single, it’s a different story. Guys you haven’t talked to in months are suddenly coming out of the woodwork faster than pumpkin flavored coffee drinks. Guys who you thought you’d never hear from again suddenly want to “chill.”

As tempting as it might be to snuggle up to all 10 seasons of Friends with an hookup who ghosted you, his ship has sailed long ago and you shouldn’t be letting it anchor for a second time. Find yourself a hobby to keep yourself busy in the cold winter months, not a dick.

1. “Hey You”

Being called “you,” is almost worse than being called “babe” or any other generic term of affection. Like, really? You? Do you even remember my name? Or was it easier to mass text “hey you” to every chick with “Big Tits” listed next to her name in your phone book? While calling someone “you” is supposed to feel personal and cute, it really feels like you were too lazy to spell someone’s name out correctly.

2. “How’ve You Been?”

Cut the bullshit. If a guy really cared about how you’ve been, he would have texted you more than once in the past six months. And in all honesty, how you you even respond to that question? Lord knows a dude doesn’t want to read through a whole paragraph where you detail your new job, your sick puppy, and your growing collection of vintage photographs. So instead you just respond with “good, hbu?” and then he can go straight to asking you when you wanna Netflix and chill.

3. “Come Cuddle”

We get it, it’s getting cold, and you probably need to keep your body (particularly your cock) warm. The thing he doesn’t understand is that you have a cheetah print snuggie and a full cabinet of wine to keep you nice and toasty, so you don’t really need him.

4. “Why Don’t We Hang Out Anymore?”

Hm…maybe because we never hung out in the first place? Unless you count that time that he tried to walk you home from the bar and got butt hurt when blackout — you still didn’t invite him inside? Yeah, that’s why.

5. “We should grab drinks!”

Who even knows if you actually want to grab drinks or are just securing as many dates as possible before you find somebody to spend the cold winter months with? Like stated previously, it’s much easier to drink wine alone (or with your girlfriends) in the apartment instead of trekking through six inches of snow to grab some trendy cocktail that he’s trying to impress you with by paying twenty bucks for. And if he thinks an expensive cocktail is going to make you want to sleep with him, he’s wrong.

6. *Adds you on snapchat*

Okay, so clearly this isn’t actually a text. But if a guy adds you on Snapchat out of the blue when you haven’t talked in months, I think we all know what his intentions are. Pretty soon, he’ll be sending you gym selfies and late night pics of whiskey bottles captioned “turnt.” All the while, he’s likely hoping that you accidentally or on purpose send him a nude when you’ve had too much to drink, and that the sexting will eventually turn into some cold weather copulating.

Gimme More Dating

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