13 Reasons Why The Pre-Boyfriend Phase Is The Worst
Butterflies in your stomach aren’t something that occurs when you’re falling in love, butterflies are what happen when you’re freaking the fuck out, overanalyzing an emoji, and trying to explain to your parent’s that you have a “boy that’s more than a friend” but not a “boyfriend,” per se.
The pre-boyfriend phase may have its occasional upsides, like the exciting passionate sex and the freedom to keep your Tinder account, but for the most part, it blows hard.
1. You Find Yourself Pretending To Like Things That You Hate
Waking up by giving a blowjob at 7 a.m.? OMG, your favorite pasttime! You also love football and watching people play beer pong.
2. You Can’t Seem To Stay True To Your Drinking Habits
Either you feel like you can’t let loose for fear of doing something stupid and you limit your wine consumption, or you find yourself getting blackout drunk in hopes of calming your nerves and maybe trying to slur to him about how much you actually like him.
3. You’re Constantly Wondering If He’s Seeing Other Girls
No matter how long you two have been seeing each other, if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk, you never know what your man is doing when he’s not with you. You can’t ask him for fear of being labeled “crazy,” which in turn only makes you more crazier because you’re constantly wondering if and how many other girls he is talking to.
4. You Can’t Use The Restroom At His Place
Girls don’t poop. If they do poop, they poop butterflies and rainbows and star-shines, right?
Wrong. Unfortunately, since your latest hook-up probably has a tiny apartment with a bathroom adjacent to his bedroom, you may not want to risk it. In turn, you end up sprinting out the morning after because even though you would have loved to take him up on breakfast, you had to do that thing, you know the one that has the emoji that is apparently supposed to be a dollop of chocolate ice cream?
5. You Don’t Know If You Should Be Talking To Other Dudes
So you’ve been seeing your “not-yet-boyfriend” for three months when that cute guy from your yoga class asks for your number and suggests you grab drinks sometime. Sure, you can technically go without “cheating,” but how will you ever know if your man is cool with that? Will you go on the date, feel guilty, and lie to your dude about what you did last night? What if he finds out and thinks you’re the unfaithful type? Will you decide not to go and then feel cheated once you find out your guy has been talking to other girls? It’s basically a lose-lose situation until you and your man define the boundaries of “what are we?”
6. You Can’t Tell Your Family About Him Yet
As you go home for another holiday and become bombarded by countless relatives asking if you have a boyfriend, you can only shake your head and say no. Surely your grandma Ruth won’t understand when you explain to her that you met a guy on Bumble and have been sleeping with him for two months, but he’s not your boyfriend yet. Better to avoid all boyfriend talk and let your relatives continue thinking that you’re a born again virgin for now.
7. You Ask Every Single Of Your Friends When The Right Time To Have “The Talk” Is
How soon is too soon? You don’t want to be that psycho chick that brings up “the talk” too early, but you also don’t want to be taken advantage of by waiting too long. Your solution is to survey every friend, every relative, and every random guy on the street about when the right time to pop the “question” is (the question being “what are we?” not “will you marry me?”).
8. You Wonder If You’re Wasting Your Time
What if you spend all this time and effort on this awesome dude only to find out that he’s been fucking with three other chicks simultaneously? What if you finally bring up “the talk” and he pulls out some BS about how he’s “not looking for a relationship right now?” Your time is precious and this motherfucker better not be wasting it.
9. You Can’t Make Him Delete Tinder Yet
You’re pretty sure you saw him scrolling through Tinder after sex last night, but maybe it was some weird app he uses for work that slightly resembles Tinder? You don’t want to show him you’re jealous yet. Instead, you’ll silently agonize to yourself about it in bed about it and say “nothing, I’m fine,” when he asks if something is wrong.
10. You Second Guess Your Relationship Constantly
Last night you felt like he was basically your boyfriend, but this morning his mom called and he didn’t mention anything about you. Maybe you were totally off? Not to mention that you’ve noticed he’s really into EDM and going to clubs, that’s so not your thing, maybe you’re not meant to be and you should just end it now before you fall any harder? UGH!
11. You Don’t Want To Post Anything On Social Media Yet
That selfie you drunkenly took with bae in the Uber last night was so freaking cute, but you don’t want to risk posting it on social media just yet. What if someone comments asking if he’s your boyfriend and you don’t know how to answer? What if all the dudes that follow you see it and think you’re off the market when technically you’re not? Most of all, what if your guy sees it and starts freaking out at the thought of you broadcasting your relationship publicly? Better just send the pic to your girls group chat so someone can appreciate your cuteness.
12. You Don’t Want To Be Too Available Yet
As much as you may hate to admit it, it’s all about the chase. You don’t want to act too “girlfriend-y” when you’re not technically his girlfriend. After all, what if then he never actually asks you to be official?
13. You Don’t Know What Tomorrow Brings
Honestly, the biggest scare of being in an almost-relationship is that you don’t know what the future holds. Does your bae want the same things that you do? Is he a fuckboy in disguise? Unfortunately, overthinking and psycho-analyzing your new man’s every move is just going to ruin the fun parts of the early stages of your relationship. When it’s time to have “the talk,” have it. But until then, enjoy the ride. If you can.