This Story Shows How Much Guys’ & Girls’ Versions of a Hookup Differ
The only thing funnier than hearing your friend tell the story of her drunken hookup last night is getting to hear it from two different perspectives.
When my boyfriend’s friend told me how he was hooking up with a girl and forgot her name mid-thrust last weekend, I thought it was funny. Two days later, when I realized that said girl was a friend of mine from my sorority, it was even funnier.
When she FaceTimed me to tell me the disaster of their Thursday night hook-up, I realized that both of them had very different stories. Perhaps they were both completely hammered (very likely), or perhaps guys and girls just view hookups completely differently.
I talked to both the girl, who we’ll call Jessie, and the guy, who we’ll call Nick, about what exactly happened that fateful Thursday night.
It was a Thursday night at our local college bar. My friend was bartending so she was giving me pretty strong drinks. I was loving life, talking to friends and dancing. Then, I saw a friend from my study abroad trip at the bar so we sat and started talking about how much we missed it. Next thing I know, some guy sits next to me and starts talking to me. His name was Nick and he had graduated last year. He kept asking me if I had a boyfriend and I assured him that I was a single butterfly who likes to spread the love. Then next thing I knew, the lights came on. I was so mad because I had work the next morning and told myself I wouldn’t stay out too late. He then told me how he had to be up early for work too, so I was like, “okay, this can work.”
We took a cab to my house and next thing I know he’s going down on me. The sex was really great and I was like “hmm…this is too good to be true,” and boy, was I right. He then goes, “Ohhh Nicole,” and I was like, “um, what?” He said, “your name’s Nicole, right?” I laughed, put on my PJs, and went to bed. He was so mad I wouldn’t keep having sex [with him] and kept trying to guess my name.
Eventually, 6:45 rolls around and his alarm goes off. He gets up and I heard him call an Uber, then I heard him come back into my room and start going through papers on my desk. When he finally left, I got up and saw that he went through my medical receipts and paper (I had the flu two weeks prior) and then looked on the ground and see that he took out my résumés. When I turned around, I also saw all my leggings and sweatpants thrown all on the floor. I quickly threw them back in my drawer and left for work.
Later that night, I went to grab some sweatpants and noticed they were soaking wet. Confused, I take out another and another and soon realized they were all wet. He had peed in my drawer! I was so pissed. I have lost all faith in one night stands. It’s safe to say that I won’t be going to that bar again since I don’t want to bump into him. Also side note: he told me he doesn’t sleep around a lot and how he really liked me and thought I was pretty. I find out two weeks later he slept with another girl in my sorority.
Me and my friends went out, and we drank hard. I couldn’t even open my eyes, I remember seeing my friend Nicole, I went down and said hi. I sat down, and I introduced myself to her friend that was sitting next to her. I have no idea how that conversation went, all I knew was that I was catching a little vibe. I was like “I don’t know how I’m pulling this off, but I think [her friend is] about it.” I was like, “get it together dude, don’t drink any more, try to get it together.” I don’t if I asked her to get out of there or what, but we ended up back at her house.
I remember getting in the bed and starting to do the deed, from what I remember she was like, “do you have a condom on?” and I was like, “no,” and she was like, “go get one, do you have one?” I was trying to find it, the intimacy is starting to die down because I’m drunk and trying to find a condom. It starts going downhill from there, she goes, ‘”do you even remember my name?” I’m like, alright, there’s no coming back from this, first off I don’t know her name, second off, why is she fucking asking me this? Because I was thinking of Caitlyn Jenner, I said Caitlyn. She said, “You’re a fucking asshole,” all this shit. I was like, “alright, there’s no coming back from this, I’m jut going to wrap myself in a burrito and listen to how mad she is.”
I woke up in the morning not knowing where I was at, I realized where I was and said “I gotta know her name.” I saw her book bag, I was looking for a corner of the paper, a notebook or something. The first paper I pulled out was her résumé. From that 30 seconds of reading the resume I learned more about her than 30 minutes of talking to her. Then I left, like a fucking thief in the night, I didn’t think it was appropriate to say bye or anything. Then I get a call from my friend Nicole saying I pissed in her drawer, and I was like “no way,” but I guess I did, I don’t know.
The moral of the story? I don’t think there really is one, to be honest. This was just too hilarious of a story not to share with the world. We can all pray for Jessie to one day find a man that knows her name and knows how to find a toilet, and hope that Nick figures out why he’s thinking of Caitlyn Jenner while having sex.