BAWSE KITTY’S KORNER: Breakups aren’t always easy, but we can get through them with self-love
Bawse Kitty is a lifestyle contributor who writes about sex, dating, being a woman, and more. This is her column, Kitty’s Korner.
Throughout my blogging, I have taken many breaks, and have also gone through many streaks. Blogging is how I’ve gotten most of my following, and how I have been able to remain relatable to many of my female followers today. But, sometimes life gets in the way, and certain things are hard to keep up.
As I got older and started going through things, I stopped expressing myself as much as I had used to when I was younger. For example, I got into a relationship and I stopped writing because I felt like everyone was judging me and I needed to put on a facade – I thought I had to act perfect or holier than thou to folks that didn’t do anything to benefit me.
Just like my friends and readers, I go through things. I’m a Capricorn sun, Leo moon, Sag rising (if that means anything to you – shoutout to my astrology babes), and so I find that I am very conflicted inside. I was compromising something I enjoyed (blogging) for someone who didn’t value me. I can admit this today, but maybe yesterday I wouldn’t have been able to.
One part of my life that, hopefully, will transpire into a small part of my existence is the long relationship I just got out of (4 years). It was one of my first real relationships, and I am finding out everyday, even months after it has ended, that it really wasn’t all that real.
One of the hardest things to do after a breakup is get over it. Honestly, I struggle in that area. Even though me and my ex are no longer together, we communicated everyday, fight often, and act like everything is still the same emotionally. Maybe even physically, with the occasional dick appointment. But romantically, I am numb. I do not feel much, and when I do feel something, it’s usually negative.
This relationship is toxic.
Months later, I realized that other women felt the same way as I did about my ex – someone I potentially could’ve had a child with, or a life with, and that scares me. It makes me not want to be around men, unless they can prove themselves (like “The Hunger Games”). I’m not perfect, but I do believe in love. When I’m in relationships, I am all about my nan, until he shows me that he doesn’t deserve my love.
In this situation, the positive thing to do would be to leave, but sometimes every other solution really seems better than a breakup.
I’ve learned to let my feelings pass and not to act out on them. I am allowed to still get upset when I find out new things about a very real era of my life. I’m allowed to smile when I come across memories or old pictures without having to reach out. I’m allowed to have sex with my ex boyfriend and not cry about it after because he doesn’t deserve the kitty (cause what if the kitty deserves the D)? I deserve to allow myself to grow out of my comfort zone and grow to love myself as much as I love another in a relationship.
One day, my ex boyfriend’s mistress sent me a long message via Twitter, and one thing stood out to me. She said, “You’re Bawse Kitty. You know that nobody should even be treating you like that, especially with the way you tweet. All these girls look up to you, and you look like a weak bitch because you won’t let go of a man.”
At the time, I didn’t really appreciate her commentary, because she was dealing with the same man that I was. But, now I realize that she was probably right. You may not be able to recognize the power you possess, but others do – even the people you may consider to be an enemy can see your greatness.
As a woman, I like to help other women acknowledge how great they really are and how they never need anyone to validate their existence, yet I was falling into that mindset.
I’m not perfect and I never will claim to be perfect. I will always be relatable and keep it real with everyone, and most importantly, myself. I promise to be soft and gracious and as vulnerable as possible throughout this journey of self-love so that we can grow together.
Break-ups are very easy, especially toxic break-ups, but we can all get through this and learn to continue to love ourselves.