4 Ways NOT to See 50 Shades of Grey Next Week

Next week is a big week for us ladies. No, not because of Valentine’s Day, because 50 Shades of Grey, the movie, is finally being released! While the majority of you may be going to see that shit the second it is released, we wanted to make sure you were experiencing all 125 minutes of R-rated goodness the RIGHT way.

1. With Your Mother (and/or Grandmother)


We all know that the book series was a HUGE hit with the older ladies. And if I was stuck at home all day trimming the hedges and baking cookies, I would be dreaming of getting some dominant dick too. In fact, I foresee older women rushing to the theaters on Valentine’s Day more than chicks my age. However, if your mom decides it would be a “great bonding activity” to see the movie together, don’t take the bait. While I shouldn’t have to explain how painfully awkward watching a sex scene with relatives can be (I first watched The Notebook with my dad), 50 Shades is going to be a whole different level. Unless the idea of an afternoon filled with your Grammy asking you if “that’s how the kids do it these days” appeals to you, I would avoid this option.

2. With Your Boyfriend


You watch porn with your boyfriend, right? So why can’t you see 50 shades with him? Because you can’t. Seriously, porn is sex, and while some of you girls think 50 shades is some hardcore sex, you can’t deny that it is also a love-story. Not to mention that Christian Grey is the guy that you probably wish your boyfriend was. You’re either going to have to listen to your boyfriend bitch about how fake the whole story is (not totally untrue..) or have to deal with him trying to awkwardly measure up to Mr. Grey next time you f*** and asking you if you want it the way Anastasia gets it (not exactly ideal dirty talk). Watch Christian and Ana get it on with your friends, then go find your boyfriend and unleash your pent up horniness on him, win-win for everyone!

3. In Malaysia


If you happen to live in Malaysia or be taking a vacation there within this next week, you will not be seeing Jamie Dornan‘s hot ass on-screen anytime soon. Why not? Because the movie was banned from the ENTIRE COUNTRY. The Malaysian Film Censorship board said the movie was “more sadistic” than natural sex content. Alright Malaysia… no offense, but who’s to say what is “natural” when it comes to sex? All that’s natural is that we have it. Just because you and your neighbor might not be getting whipped on a regular basis, doesn’t mean that it’s “unnatural.”

4. Before a Date


If you have a boyfriend, by all means, watch this movie immediately before going over to his place, I’m sure he’ll be ecstatic. If you happen to plan a date with Frank from OkCupid immediately after going to the movies with your girls? Maybe not the best plan. After all, didn’t we all learn from Something About Mary to not go out on a date with a loaded gun? If you really have to see 50 shades on the same day as a planned date, make sure you give yourself a little “me time” before heading out. After all, you don’t want to ambush the poor guy! (Just kidding, he’ll probably be psyched).

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