The Signs As 2000s Mall Stores
Remember when malls were lit?
Before the days of ordering everything online and having your own apartment, the mall was the one place where you could escape your parents and get a hot outfit so that you could stunt on everyone in English class on Monday morning.
Well, to remember the good ol’ mall glory days, we’re picking mall stores for each horoscope sign. Prepare to hate me.
Aries: Wet Seal
Aries is impulsive, just like Wet Seal
is was when they put glitter graphic tees on the rack next to plaid farmer flannels and randomly had $1 racks. Aries is also determined, just like Wet Seal was when they tried to rebrand and have success in 2016. Sadly, Wet Seal did not prevail and filed for bankruptcy and closed all of its stores. RIP our fave place to get thotty outfits for the school dance.
Taurus: Old Navy
Like Old Navy’s built-in bra camis or plain t-shirts for last minute Halloween costumes, Taurus is loyal and reliable af. Taurus is also stable, just like Old Navy, which is still going strong — and that’s more than you can say about most of these mall stores.
Gemini: Forever 21
Geminis are able to learn quickly, which mirrors Forever 21’s ability to hop on trends and have them in stores before you even know you want them. Geminis can also be inconsistent, just like how Forever 21 is boho-chic in one corner and goth-thot in the other corner. Hey, options are good!
Cancer: Limited Too
Cancers are known for being persuasive, just like Limited Too was when it convinced you that you needed a pair of snap-off pants or a shrinky top. Or just like how you tried to be when you convinced your mom you needed a padded training bra…
Like Hollister, Leo is warm-hearted and cheerful, but also arrogant and stubborn. Not to mention, having a warm heart doesn’t make up for having a dark af dressing room, sorry. The good news is that Hollister hasn’t let it’s inflexibility get the best of them, and they’ve actually come out with some kind of cute stuff lately. Be like Hollister, Leo, and give change a chance!
Virgos are loyal and practical, and so is H&M. You can always count on H&M to be there when you need a solid-colored mini dress or a pair of $15 wedges. H&M is also practical — not to mention lit — when they convince designers to create a collection that we can actually maybe afford. Considering H&M is one of the only stores on this list that people still shop at, we’d say being a Virgo isn’t too bad.
Libras are fair-minded, and Aeropostale is too. After all, Aero was fair enough to sell the same exact stuff as Abercrombie at a fraction of the price, making your mom happy af in 2005 when you “needed” a bright pink polo. One of Libra’s weaknesses is self-pity, and I mean, Aeropostale probably pitied themselves too, considering people called it the poor man’s Abercrombie.
Scorpio: Spencer’s Gifts
Scorpios are known as the most sexual sign in the zodiac, which is why it only makes sense that their mall store is Spencer’s Gifts, the place you’d go into with your friends so you could laugh at all the dildos and take Myspace pics with stupid accessories. Scorpio’s are also known for being resourceful, and whoever created Spencer’s was resourceful as f*ck, considering they made a chain store based around crap almost no one wants.
Sagittariuses have a great sense of humor, just like the good chuckles you got from walking into Delia*s and reading all the graphic tees on the wall for 30 minutes. Unfortunately, Sagittarius sisters are known for promising more then they can deliver, which is probably what happened to Delia*s before they filed for bankruptcy in 2014.
Capricorns are known for being condescending know-it-alls, just like how Abercrombie was in its heyday. They’re also known for being unforgiving, which is exactly how your Abercrombie jean skirt was when you tried to bend over to get something from your locker. Capricorns love tradition, and if you couldn’t tell from the fact that Abercrombie has been selling the same sh*t since the 90s, Abercrombie loves tradition too.
Aquarius: Urban Outfitters
Aquariuses are known for being progressive, original, and independent, just like Urban Outfitters was before every boho girl on Tumblr made it her second home. Aquarians also known for being uncompromising and aloof, just like Urban Outfitters is when they try to be body-posi and end up featuring a size they don’t sell, or photoshopping their models’ thigh gaps.
Pisces: Hot Topic
Pisces is sad, just like all the emos who shop at Hot Topic. Pisces is also known to want to escape reality and to play the victim or martyr. If you don’t know what martyr means, you can learn it from listening to Panic! At The Disco’s song, “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage.” And after you listen to that, you can buy a P!ATD shirt at Hot Topic, your fave store.