How To Maintain Your Sex Life After Moving Back Home
The only thing worse than doing a walk of shame is doing a walk of shame straight into your parents’ house.
Moving home post-graduation can be a big money saver, but it can also seriously kill your social life, not to mention your search for Mr. Right (or at least an orgasm).
Still, moving home doesn’t mean that you have to suddenly stop going on Tinder dates or sleeping around, and it certainly isn’t something to embarrassed about. According to the 2011 census, 45% of recent college grads live with their parents. Do you think they gave up sex? I think not!
We found some people who successfully managed to keep their sex lives going while simultaneously living under their parents’ roof. Be inspired:
Scheduling Is Key
Remember in high school when you’d use your parents going out to dinner for two hours as an excuse to have all your friends over to smoke a blunt? This is basically the same thing except you’re going to be smoking some dick instead. You need to start figuring out when your parents are going to be home and when they’re going to be out. With your dad constantly trying to share his iPhone calendar with yours, this shouldn’t be too difficult.
“Make sure your schedule is the complete opposite of your parents so you can have sex at home.” – Stephanie
“I just learned to play around my parents’ schedule. For Christmas I got them tickets for shows to get out of the house so I can get the house to myself.” – Arielle
“When my parents were going out for the day we would time it so that he would pull up as soon as they left and then we could take our time and have shower sex. That was really hot and I felt pretty rebellious during the whole process.” – Bri
Utilize Your Resources
You’ll quickly find that any good friend wants you to get laid, and they’ll quickly lend out an extra couch or bedroom for your weekend sexcapades. If your friends are in the same boat as you and they don’t have a “cool mom” like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls, you might be able to turn to other resources. Remember when your mom asked you to go water the plants at your Aunt Demi’s? Maybe she’ll ask you to do it again and you can keep the key. If all else fails, you can pull the old high school trick of getting busy in the car.
“Living at home makes sexcapades a bit more difficult, but as long as the other person has their own place, you’re good. Just be prepared to get judged by your parents when you’re walk of shaming home. There have been instances where I walked in at noon and my dad screamed ‘walk of shame’ from the living room… but you get over it eventually.” – Sarah
“My grandma had an apartment in the city that I used [while living in the suburbs with my parents], and once or twice [I] snuck girls in with me to my basement. But mainly it was all about being resourceful with other living arrangements (my grandparents’ place, my cousin’s place, things like that) or staying at [the girl’s] place.” – Kyle
Become Sneaky AF
If you have one of those oblivious parental units that literally have no clue WTF is going on, you can probably have sex on the kitchen table and they won’t notice. If you have parents like mine who literally notice when the carpet has one bread crumb on it, then you have to go into ultra secret sex spy mode.
“[My boyfriend and I] ended up having a lot of basement sex because I wasn’t allowed to have him in my room. We would take all of the cushions off of the couch and make a bed on the floor usually laying a blanket down so no cum got on the cushions.” – Bri
“Sex life was difficult at home because I have an old school Puerto Rican mom so having a girl stay over was impossible. Pretty much always had to hope the girl had a place of her own, but even if she did it was still embarrassing to ask. One time I snuck a girl in through my back door and we did our thing in the basement, so that was successful, but you can’t do that all the time.” – Moises
Find a New Dating Pool
Unlike college, you can’t drunkenly waltz into the nearest bar and grab the first butt you see. I mean, you could do that, but you might run into your dad’s co-worker or someone from high school, which could be awkward. That’s not to say that your old high school fuck buddies aren’t an option, but if they’re the type that peaked in high school, you should maybe pass. Plus they probably live at home too and you’re doubly screwed. Instead, sit on your parents’ couch and start swiping.
“My biggest advice would be to not be afraid to get on dating apps. Even if you don’t hit it off with a first date, it can lead into a fun experience or connection you never knew you would make!” – Lauren
“[My first job], when I was home, I was single and basically hit up girls from high school I had hooked up with in the past that I found were home. It only went well when people came home for the summer. I would grab a bite to eat with them and then we’d go to my parents’ place and watch a movie and usually hook up.” – Larry
“If I’m having a girl over, I use my younger brother to let me know when my parents are coming home. I use Tinder more than I’d like to admit, but I’m from a small town so it’s not really easy to meet girls.” – Cormac
Serious Relationships FTW
As much as you loved having a different one night stand every weekend in college, it’s not quite as easy once you move back into your parents’ house. Variety is great, but our readers admit that it’s a lot easier to explain to one person why you can’t bring them home rather than drunkenly explaining it to a new person every night. Plus, you can find someone who does have their own place so you can stop sneaking around yours.
“You have to really stick to one person, and make them comfortable enough to have you staying at their place all the time (assuming they have their own place). I’m living home because it’s 10 mins away from my [job]. I’ve brought girls home, but it feels like I’m in high school, which is really strange after living away. It also doesn’t sound very good saying, ‘let me take you home…to my parents house’ and I’m not going to explain my reasons to anyone unless they ask, which rarely happens. So basically, I’m in a relationship with my car and my bank account is gorgeous.” – Robbie
“I just came to my boyfriend’s place every weekend or his [parents’] house while he was on break. My parents are super conservative, but his didn’t care if I stayed over.”- Michelle
But sometimes even your boyfriend gets you in trouble…
“My boyfriend stayed over for dinner and afterwards we went to my basement to hook up and he hid his belt under my couch (to this day I have no idea why). Later on in the night we went out and my parents were in the basement, my mom then texts me saying, ‘did you forget something at home?’ I said ‘no’ and she sends me a picture of my boyfriend’s belt. So my dad was pissed, but my mom said, ‘Was it because he was full from my pasta dinner I made?'” – Ari