7 Shady Things We Want to Get Taylor For Her Bday
Today is Taylor Swift’s 27th birthday.
Obviously, we want to get her a gift, but what do you get for the millionaire superstar who could probably ask for your ass on a silver platter and get it before you had time to say, “who are these strange men breaking into my apartment and kidnapping me?”
After hours of deliberation and group brainstorming, we’re pleased to say we figured out the perfect gift options.
We love you, Tay Tay.
1. A Giant Lawsuit
2016 was an awful PR year for Taylor.
Everybody saw right through her “relationship” with Tom Hiddleston, there was mass speculation she voted for Trump, and oh yeah, Kimye proved bb girl was lying her high-waisted shorts off when she said nobody ran that “Famous” by her.
But through all of that, Taylor did have one PR move that went her way: that lawsuit she filed against the DJ who groped her at a Meet and Greet.
Was it violating? Sure.
Should any woman have to go through something like this? Naw.
But did it get her some good press? Hell yeah, dog.
So why not get her an even bigger lawsuit for her birthday this year?
You know, one that people actually care about. Like one against Kanye. That would be nice, right?
Don’t worry T, I’ll have my people call your people.
2. A Huge Think Piece in Vogue About Her Donation to the Oakland Fire Victims
If you think that celebrities donate to charities and causes out of the goodness of your heart, bless you.
The only reason a celeb parts with their own money without turning it into a mansion or a designer dress is to have the press write about how selfless they are.
Taylor’s donation to the Oakland fire victims got a little attention, but not enough.
Actually, screw a think piece about her donation to one cause, Vogue should write a glowing feature about Taylor’s history of charitable donations and how her birth was one of the best things to happen to philanthropy since, I don’t know, I’m bored just thinking about it, let’s move on.
3. A Time Machine
Taylor’s a bigger star than ever, but back in 2010 she was still a universally loved dorky outsider who wrote nuanced country-pop ballads about heartache and her celebrity beaus.
It’d be nice if she could go back to that for a hot sec.
4. Kendall Jenner to Fall Down a Well
Kendall Jenner and T Swift run opposing squads with a substantial amount of overlap.
Let’s just say that if Kendall went missing tomorrow, T Swift wouldn’t be shedding any teardrops on her guitar about it.
5. A Basket of Her Own Merchandise
It’s a little known fact that Taylor likes to send her own merch to other celebrities as a way to remind everybody who the real star in the relationship is, and if it’s good enough for Taylor’s besties, it’s definitely good enough for Tay Tay.
6. An “I Would Very Much Like to Be Excluded From this Narrative” T-Shirt
7. Dance Lessons