7 New Year’s resolutions that will set you up for failure

Did you know that only 8% of people actually succeed at fulfilling their New Year’s resolutions?

Pretty bleak.

But let’s be real, New Year’s resolutions are kind of dumb. Like, why couldn’t you have decided to get fit, or eat healthy, or stop entertaining fuckboys, at any point during 2016? But the real problem is that everyone’s New Year’s resolutions are just so damn unrealistic. Like really, you’re going to go from eating McDonald’s everyday to being paleo? Let me know how that goes.

But if you’re still all aboard the “new year, new me” train, avoid one of these resolutions. They won’t work, sorry.

1. Cutting Out Alcohol

Okay first off, what’s your reasoning for this one? There’s nothing wrong with going sober, but think about why you want to cut booze before you try to go balls deep. If it’s that you’re blacking out too much, you might want to try moderation and if that doesn’t work, seek some professional help before going cold turkey on your own. And if you keep getting drunk and texting your ex, maybe focus on getting over him instead of breaking up with Tequila.

2. Starting a Crazy Diet

You can’t go 0 to 100 when it comes to your diet. Not in a healthy manner, anyway. If you really want to be gluten-free or paleo or vegan, you do you, but if your current diet consists of take-out food every day, you might need a transition period.

Same goes for insane diets like Pure Change or a juice cleanse. It’s super unlikely you’ll actually keep the weight off and you’re going to have a miserable time doing it. Instead, make a diet goal that’s actually attainable, like bringing your own lunches to work four days of the week, or doing meatless Mondays.

3. Losing Five Pounds

Do you really want to lose five pounds, or do you just think you should? Losing five pounds might not change your body that much. In fact, gaining weight could mean gaining muscle, and possibly make your body look the way you’re dreaming of.

But the real problem with this resolution is that instead of actions, it’s about the final goal. How are you going to lose five pounds? Are you going to go running every day? Only eat rabbit food? Stop ordering 2 a.m. pizzas? Focus on what you’re going to do rather than the amount of lbs you’ll lose. If not, you’re going to get discouraged looking at the scale (which will fluctuate), and just give up.

4. Curbing Your Hoe-tivities

If you want to delete Tinder, delete Tinder. If you want to stop having one night stands, stop having one night stands. But think long and hard about what you actually want to do and why you want to do it. Don’t make sexual decisions just because you got slut-shamed, or because you think that having sex on the first date isn’t for “girlfriend material.”

5. Finding a Boo

Personally, I’m all aboard the “you won’t find love when you’re looking for it” train. But even if you’re not, this is a ridiculous resolution. Unlike most New Year’s resolutions, this one depends very heavily on another person. If you have the mindset that you “need” to find a new boo, you’re probs going to end up throwing yourself on every loser you meet at the bar, even if they’re people you wouldn’t normally go for. If you have to choose one of the trash resolutions on this list, please don’t pick this one.

6. Finally Getting Over Your Ex

You can’t hurry love, and you can’t hurry falling out of love either. While there’s a certain point where you should worry about still not being over your ex, it’s also not going to help you truly get over them if you force yourself to. Take your time to mourn, focus on other shit, and you’ll be back to your normal, non-ex obsessed self soon, but maybe not right on January first.

7. Getting Your Shit Together

WTF does this mean? That you need to stop blacking out? That you want to start passing your classes? That you want to get a real job? If you don’t specify, chances are you’re going to just do nothing, and end 2017 like the same hot mess you were this year.

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