I Spent an Entire Blizzard Weekend Going on Tinder Dates
One giant snowstorm in NYC. Three Tinder dates: Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night.
Three very different kind of guys.
Three very different stories summarized. This is not an advice column, it’s a story about a college senior having a weekend of adventure.
I never go on dates, in general, Tinder or otherwise. I have always just had male friends who turned into boyfriends. But after my recent tragic breakup, I thought why not put myself out there? Especially when a massive snowstorm was coming and I had no one to cuddle with.
And I didn’t get murdered! All names have been changed but the details are true.
The first guy I chose seemed to be the safest: a 30-year-old ad executive. Not super attractive, so he would probably have a great personality. Sorry not sorry.
What a daddy. But not in the sexy way. In the way where I kind of felt like I was hanging out with my dad who was mesmerized by how easily I could climb stairs.
Anyways, I arrive at the previously agreed on bar and he’s already got a beer. It was mainly me asking lots of questions about his family, his history, when he was born, who was present at this time, etc. So eventually, I know a lot of him and there have been few questions about me.
So I’m bored. I decide we should play truth or dare. Step one: he chooses dare. I’m immediately impressed and surprised. Daddy wants to play. Ok. So my dare: blow out all the miniature candles on all the tables. It’s a bar, it’s weird but no one is going to care. Then he says “Wow. You’re so wild.” YUP. SO WILD. I felt chills down my spine. Just… ick.
But now I had to see if he was actually going to do it. He runs to the last table, blows out their candle and goes to hide in the bathroom. So dad tried, but then got scared and hid. I’m going to let you process the image of me sitting in a booth at a bar, watching a 30-year-old man giggle, run to blow out a single candle and then run to hide.
TWIST: the man who got his candle blown out got pissed. Like he threw a fit. He yelling for this guy. My poor dad to come out and fight him. He demanded a new candle. Then demanded a second candle. I just can’t make this up because it was so dumb. After, we all agreed that these two guys were not going to fight over a candle. I felt very guilty.
We went back to our table, “Truth or Dare” I asked. After that disaster, of course he said truth.
“Do you want to come home with me?” And his coat went on instantly which I took as a yes. I honestly banged him because I almost got him beaten up. The other guy was bigger and he would have for sure lost.
Highlights: I did his eyebrows. This semi unibrow situation had been annoying me all night and post coitus, I felt like a philanthropist so I grabbed tweezers and took care of business.
Lowlights: The most cuddly man ever. Like most women I like to be cuddled after sex but this was like wearing a dude sweater, a sweater that wrapped its ankles around my ankles.
ALSO READ: 12 Chill Places To Go On Tinder Dates In NYC
2. The DJ
The second guy I chose is probably the hottest guy I’ve ever spoken to ever. A super buff 23-year-old engineer/DJ. I thought it would be cool if people saw us together and stared. “Take a picture it lasts longer,” I would say as we sauntered past them in slow motion.
Tan, frat, DJ is totally the gym, tan, laundry of 2017. I had invited him over during the last blizzard for a day of snowy sexy time and Seamless and instead he went to visit his parents. It’s fine. I’m hot. Whatever.
That night I went out to the Gilded Lily, then I got a text from the DJ simply stating “I have a hotel room.” Now, I would normally never go to a strange hotel room. I’ve seen movies. But at this point, I was drunk only thinking of his hot tinder pic and room service. So I grabbed a cab, and I was on my way to the hotel.
Upon arrival, he played me one of his songs, EDM of course, accompanied by a lot of hand gestures because his dope beats just moved him to his core.We listened to the whole thing, at one point when I tried to ask a question, I was shhhhed as the beat was about to drop. This is as close as either of us got to a climax. So while I imagined my night was going be a cool music video (as it def had that hot call girl element) it was pretty bland. I mean we had sex because he was smoking hot, but it wasn’t great.
Highlights: the phrase “I don’t like rap but I love Eminem.” We Snapchatted his friends post-coitus (I guess they were worried about his safety or something?)
Lowlights:I didn’t get room service. The phrase “Oh is that what you like?” was said 12 million times.
3. The Dude
I’m going to start this by saying: dry hump. Fully clothed sideways grinding. In my opinion, one dry hump is a hump too many. But let’s start from the beginning.
On paper we were a perfect match, this last guy seemed like the best of both worlds: 28, a writer and a collector of vintage records. A cool older dude with my hipster aesthetic. I walked into an apartment full of old records and vintage posters. I thought, yup our child will grow up in Brooklyn and be named after a gemstone. Baby Amethyst is going to be so chill.
There was wine and a cheese plate. “What’s your favorite Beatles song?” I ask. “That’s a stupid question” he says. “I don’t have a favorite song, the songs I don’t like are not their worst songs but they are not their best.”
BITCH WHAT? So, I could not tell you this guys favorite color, but I could tell you the colors that he doesn’t think are the worst. Obviously, this small spider monkey looking man doesn’t want me to know anything about him.
So I stopped talking and put on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Then he starts dry humping me. Yup. During the show, in complete silence. I decided to ignore the problem until it went away, like an adult. So I keep watching this show amidst his heavy breathing. An hour later, I’ve watched the pilot, eaten some ice cream and made a mental note to write this article. Taking dating tips from dad, I went to the bathroom and hid while figuring out if I had the money to uber home. Thank god this spider monkey was lactose intolerant because when I emerged he was on the couch complaining of a tummy ache from the cheese plate, and I was out of the woods.
I was awoken the next morning by more dry humping. And after about 2 hours of that (yes, I did text through some of it) I left. I didn’t even fake an emergency because this was an emergency.
This guy freaked me out. I called my mom on the way home pretending to have had a nightmare and need reassurance. But my life was the nightmare. I would never bang that baller.
Highlights: he called himself Twitter famous and talked about how hard it was to be in the spotlight.
Lowlights: Dry humps.
Dry humps. Check it out.
Like I said, this is not an advice column. I don’t know what I’m talking about. But Tinder has been erased from my phone forever. BRB while I go rewrite an entire Fergie song. “Dry Humps” by Cat Gough and Fergalicious.