Do Conservative Bros Realize What Trump’s Presidency Will Do To Their Sex Lives?
If you have a boyfriend who’s thinking about voting Trump, we feel for you.
As partial as we are to a bro-ey athletic type of dude, the fact is that white cisgender heterosexual men make up a large part of the group who supports Trump, according to The New York Times. So there’s a chance your slightly meatheaded boyfriend might be stumping for Trump.
And sadly, it’s hard to argue with a Trump supporting dude about why he shouldn’t vote Trump, because when it comes to issues that don’t directly affect him, he won’t care. I mean, you’re talking to someone whose candidate apparently thinks rape is inevitable.
26,000 unreported sexual assults in the military-only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 7, 2013
Chances are, your dude also doesn’t give a flying fuck that Donald Trump wants to ban abortion. He also is either blissfully unaware or doesn’t care that Trump said “there has to be some form of punishment” for women who do get abortions.
But these dudes aren’t the ones getting pregnant, or getting raped, or getting objectified, so nah, they’re totally chill being pro-life.
But what they don’t realize is that in an abortion-less America, we would all have to be much more vigilant about birth control – and that means no more unprotected sex.
And let’s be real here for a minute: the only thing guys like this hate more than Hillary Clinton is wearing condoms.
When you ask a bro for a condom, he looks at you confused, as if it’s the girl’s responsibility to remain child-free and to get on some sort of birth control medication, not his. His only responsibility is to keep his khakis clean from jizz so that he can zip them up and go to the country club later, and to delete all the dick pics so that he doesn’t end up like some of his Republican forefathers.
It’s likely this anti-condom attitude that contributes to the fact that one in three women will have an abortion before the age of 45.
But this doesn’t bother conservative bros, because it won’t happen to them. Just like when they get pulled over while drunk driving their Mercedes, the’ll find a way out of it– or their daddy will. They’re not “stupid enough” to get a girl pregnant, because impregnating a woman totally has to do with your mental capacity, right?
Guys are anti-condom because they’re “uncomfortable,” regardless of the fact that condoms are one of the most affordable and accessible birth control methods. Condoms are also one of the most effective forms if used correctly. Unfortunately, considering most Trump dudes are uneducated, that’s a little shaky. But either way, if Trump really succeeds in banning abortion as he’s threatened, dudes are going to have to make peace with condoms and start wearing them often if not always.
After all, they won’t exactly be able to say “oopsies” and shell out $300 from the trust fund for an abortion pill like the “good old days.” They are also going to have way fewer girls being chill about fucking sans condoms, which means they’re going to have to get more clever about the Tinder pick-up lines that they send to every chick within a 50-mile radius.
If you’re a dude reading this, you’re probably thinking, “but girls can just go on birth control meds, duh!” Yes, girls can choose to go on the pill if they don’t mind the frequently terrible side effects, but considering that Trump also wants to defund Planned Parenthood, it’s going to be much more difficult for girls to get on the pill, specifically girls who want to go on the pill without parental consent.
“We’re not going to allow, and we’re not going to fund, as long as you have the abortion going on at Planned Parenthood,” Trump said. “We understand that, and I’ve said it loud and clear.”
Granted, Trump has gone back and forth a lot on his remarks regarding abortions and Planned Parenthood. Weirdly, this doesn’t seem to bother conservatives that vow to burn Hillary at the stake for being a “liar.” But regardless of if Trump is acting pro-life to appease the conservative party or not, most women don’t want to take that chance.
Looking on the bright side, this could almost be a big step for dudes. I mean, they’re actually valuing politics over their penis, which is impressive, especially for the conservative bros that try to look innocent while fucking everything that moves. Then again, most dudes have probably been too busy obsessing over “crooked Hillary” and sharing every single Benghazi article on Facebook that they haven’t even paid attention to Trump’s stance on abortion and Planned Parenthood.
After all, it doesn’t apply to them, so why should they care? They’ve certainly not made the connection that they’re going to need to ask their mommies to buy them a Costco sized box of Trojans like she did freshman year of college, which they’ll keep under their bed next to their Sperrys and Vineyard Vines flip-flops which their mom also bought.
But don’t worry dudes, I’ve made the connection for you. You can chant about throwing Hillary in jail, but the only one that’s really going to be jailed if Trump wins the presidency is your penis. Then again, if you’re really that vocal about Trump, it’d be a wonder if any girl will touch your condom-covered dick at all. But don’t worry, maybe there’s a way that you can fuck one of your guns that you’re so in love with? Worth a shot.