Diets Are Hard, So I Tried Casting A Magic Spell To Help Me Lose Weight
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Generally speaking, if a weight loss trend seems too good to be true, it’s definitely a scam.
But having spent the better part of my adult life on some form of a diet, I couldn’t help but put on my best Carrie Bradshaw voice and ask, “what if there was an easier way to lose weight that didn’t involve counting calories, skipping dessert, or spending more time going to the gym? What if women really could have it all?”
Like, what if there was some magic spell that I could pay some Wiccan in Bushwick to chant at me during the next full moon, or even better, what if there was a magic spell I could find online and perform on myself for free?
Sure, it sounded like a long shot, but honestly aren’t the odds of any diet having a lasting effect on our waistlines just as unlikely?
So I decided to try something new in my personal quest of finally getting the bod of my dreams: I began searching for the perfect magic spell.
Obviously, the first thing I did was pull up Google, type in the words “magic spell weight loss,” and cross my fingers that I was about to strike gold.
Believe it or not, that simple search yielded more results than I could read in an entire day.
Unsure of exactly where to begin, I just decided to click on the first link which read, “Weight Loss Diet Spell: Instantly Lose Weight Fast — Change Your Life.”
I couldn’t believe my luck! That sounded great!
Quickly I realized I was looking at a site where with the click of a button, a licensed witch named Xara Beatrice Matsagou, whose black and white headshot indicates that she had a previous acting career in her past, would cast a magic spell on my behalf for free. That’s right, free!
And even though my gut impulse was to break out laughing, I had to admit that Xara seemed to have a handful of highly satisfied customers.
Stephany Lonergan wrote, “Xara’s weight loss spell worked for me. I’ve never been happier.”
And Adele noticed the effects of Xara’s spell right away saying, “I lost weight today! You are a miracle, Xara.”
Hell, some girl supposedly named Heather Knipp even lost 67 lbs thanks to Xara’s witchcraft.
Surely, she couldn’t have made up all of these people, right?
So after a minute’s worth of deliberation, I eagerly gave Xara’s magic a chance to work for me too.
Now, all I had to do was wait.
While I was waiting for Xara’s spell to kick in, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to actually do some research on magic spells, and in a matter of seconds, I learned that casting weight loss spells can actually be really dangerous.
According to Spellcaster Maxim, ”If something goes wrong, your weight loss spell will turn into a weight loss curse that will cause you a lot of suffering,” adding that, “It’s like having AIDS or anorexia! It will affect your health to a great extent and you’ll find yourself on the verge of death! Medicine will be powerless, and a powerful spell caster will be the only one who will be able to save your life.”
And then of course, you run the risk of having to turn to a witch who practices black magic to help you save your life, which would mean you’d probably wind up with an “alien” inside of you who would immediately start “consuming your energy” and quickly “try to take control of your mind.”
I began to have mixed feelings about having some random Internet witch cast my spell, and silently hoped that I would make it to the end of the month without having to give the little alien inside my belly a name.
Still, as the weeks went by and my pants stubbornly refused to fall off of my hardly emaciated frame, I had no choice but to come to the following two conclusions:
#1: Xara wasn’t secretly a bad witch luring unsuspecting, desperate Internet users to their doom
#2: Xara probably wasn’t even a witch
Although to be fair, since I don’t have a scale at home, for all I know, her spell could have actually helped me lose anywhere between .01 and 2.0 pounds.
And even if it didn’t, maybe the fault really rests in my hands because she could sense my innate skepticism and decided I wasn’t worthy of her gift.
Still, I can’t deny that Xara’s magic spells worked for Stephany, Adele, and Heather. So if you’re feeling lucky, by all means, give it a shot.
But when that doesn’t work, I’ll see you at the gym, where I’ll furiously chugging a liter of water while I try and forget the fact that all I have to look forward to when I get home is a 1/2 cup of quinoa, a hardboiled egg, and 5oz of lean protein.