Investigating the suspects of the #WhoBitBeyoncé scandal

#WhoBitBey is the hashtag that’s sweeping the nation, and Beyoncé fans all over are trying to solve the mystery. 

Tiffany Haddish disclosed in a recent GQ interview that last year at Jay Z’s party, she witnessed an actress bite Beyoncé in the face.

“Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.”

In Tiffany’s words, said actress was doing “the mostest,” and we couldn’t agree more. Someone who has the audacity to bite Beyoncé (let alone anyone at all) has to be on one. I feel like there’s no other explanation.

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Now, as always, Twitter is trying to get to the bottom of things by researching the party guest list. I don’t think they’re all viable suspects, though. For one, I have a strong feeling this actress was a white woman. I just do. For another, I have a strong feeling this actress was possibly older, someone who doesn’t usually act out. Why else would Bey pardon her so easily?

If someone bit me? I’d be so pissed! Their ass would be kicked out. Bey was too graceful about this person.

Twitter has pointed fingers at actresses Jennifer Lawrence, Sanaa Lathan, Sara Foster, and more. All of these actresses have denied their involvement, though, via HuffPost reaching out to their spokespeople.

Chrissy Teigen tweeted that she had her suspicions of who the culprit was and that that person is, “the worst.” But, it was not the worst person that Chrissy knows that bit Beyoncé. It was someone else entirely, and according to Chrissy, someone we would never expect.

Twitter users begged Chrissy to let us know who tf bit Beyoncé (can we still believe someone BITE Beyoncé in the face?!?), but she refused, letting us all know that “knowledge is a curse.” The BeyHive came for Chrissy faster than you could say Bey.

No surprise there.

Chrissy won’t give up the name, though. Obviously. But I can’t help but wonder who it is now that Chrissy claims she never would have guessed it. That means Beyoncé was probably right when she said, “She not like that all the time.”

I took to my own Twitter to ask my fans who they suspected bit our Queen. Votes are in for Becky with the good hair, Allison Janney, Angela Lansbury (lol), Meryl Streep, and Jamie Lee Curtis. My vote is for Cameron Diaz. Unfortunately, most of these candidates were not in attendance of the party.

But, Cameron Diaz and Meryl Streep were both asked to comment by HuffPost. I personally don’t think Meryl could have done this, although my one friend said she could have been on bath salts. Which would make her the most unlikely of suspects (as Chrissy mentioned). But Meryl on salts seems as unlikely as me achieving the beach body I always say I will achieve every year.

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Personally I’m obsessed with the idea that some A-lister bit Beyoncé’s face. I don’t know why, I just am. It almost is too good of a story to be true.

While some are requesting comments from male actors, I don’t see any use in that, seeing as Tiffany specifically said actress and used the she/her pronouns. I will. however, give you guys my real guesses on #WhoBitBey. I have some really viable suspects, and then I have some on the list because I just really love the thought of it.

1. Cameron Diaz

I feel like 1. Cameron is an unlikely suspect and 2. She seems like she could “party” every once in a while, even though she’s a particularly healthy person. She fits all the criteria way too well, and she seems like the kind of gal who would randomly bite someone while high af, even if it is Queen B.

2. Taylor Swift

Only because I really want her to be the culprit. I have a strange issue with Tay that I can’t let go, and I can only imagine the Internet blowing up after finding her guilty. But, I feel like Chrissy would assume it was Taylor at first, so she may not be the best lead we have.

3. Kristen Stewart

Okay so this one seems pretty promising to me. She’s outrageous enough that she maybe could have even bit Beyoncé sober. Go Kristen.

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4. Jessica Biel

This one would just be hilarious because it seems so unlikely. Maybe that’s what Chrissy meant by saying we would never guess it?

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5. Barbra Streisand

Could you imagine?! Barbra biting Beyoncé almost sounds like a blessing, though, and I can’t imagine her telling Tiffany not to dance. However, I could see her getting a little too fucked up and doing this and completely not remembering like I do most Saturday nights.

6. Mila Kunis

Another likely candidate. She did date Macaulay Culkin for a hot minute, and she seems like she’s seen and done some shit (in an ex-partier kind of way). I could see her slipping and biting Bey’s face, and maybe even asking Tiffany to stop dancing if she was really out of it.

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