13 Girls’ Stories of Getting Revenge On An Ex
Don’t get mad, get even.
Even if you’re not the type to seek revenge, there’s nothing better than “winning” a break-up. You know, having a better looking significant other afterwards, or moving to New York City while your ex moves in with his parents. It’s petty and it’s immature, but something about doing better than a shitty ex is immensely gratifying.
But, not all of us can passively wait to prevail over our ex, some of us decide to go get revenge a little quicker. Here are 14 tales of breakup revenge.
1. Bacon Bits
“I was about 18 and lost my virginity to a kid who was, as he put it, a ‘pig squealer’ in a metal band (in hardcore bands and music the singer will make a squealing sound with his voice which sounds like a pig). When I found out he was hooking up with someone else, my best friend and I drive-by baconed his house. He wrote an angry MySpace bulletin demanding to know who it was and complaining about it being impossible to get off of his parents living room window.”
2. Smashin’ Yodels
“My boyfriend told me he was going to get milk after a family event, then went to Atlantic City instead. So, I moved out and emptied his entire apartment, like nothing but the bones. I waited there till he got home. I was sitting there at the table with my key, I threw it at him, he started crying, and then I smashed his yodels (those chocolate pastries) on the counter. I had two friends come over and help me move out, it took us about seven hours to get rid of everything. They were like, ‘you better not take him back,’ but I did. Whoops.”
3. Hippity Hoppity Hoe
“My ex cheated on me and I of course stalked and found out who she was. I was cutting my client’s hair who runs the Easter display at the mall, and I told her that he and I had broken up. She got into telling me that she had just hired some young girl to be the Easter bunny and the things she was saying about her new hire matched up to what I had just found out from stalking the girl he cheated on me with.
“I asked my client if her employee’s name was what I thought, and she said yes. On top of this, my co-worker confirmed that she saw my ex and the Easter bunny girl in the mall (who resembled Snooki and was apparently 24 years old). So, naturally I took a picture on her lap. I’m not sure if she knew it was me or not, but my boss went with me and kept saying my name really loudly to make sure. I’m guessing my ex knew, but then like eight months later we ‘made up’ as friends and decided to be cool again. I tried to mention it to him and he acted like he had no idea, so I dropped it.”
4. Once You Go Black (Label)
“In college, my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t ‘marriage material.’ He then quickly found a new girlfriend. I proceeded to give my guy friend a bottle of Black Label in exchange for seducing my ex’s new girlfriend. Once the deed was done, I made sure everyone knew. She didn’t deny it, and they broke up soon after.”
5. Mother Knows Best
“I called his mom and forwarded his mom text messages with all the mean things he was saying and doing and told her that I knew she didn’t raise her son to be this way. She told me she was sorry and she’s never been more disappointed. He tried to apologize and I told him to go fuck himself. Me and his sister are still friends.”
6. Two Can Play That Game
“He tried getting back at me by dating one of my close friends, but then I told him I wanted to get back together to get him to stop talking to her. Then, I dumped him again.”
7. The Classic
“I got into a relationship with his best friend a week after. We dated for nine months.”
8. Even More Classic
“I had this really mean boyfriend in high school who was always talking about my weight and putting me down. After we broke up, I banged hisfour best friends. He got so jealous about his friends, we didn’t even talk and he Facebook messaged me a link to the song ‘Stay Schemin.'”
9. America’s Next Top Model?
“When my boyfriend and I broke up for a hot minute I crashed his fraternity’s date party and then proceeded to find all of the guys in his fraternity with six packs and took videos of me lifting up their shirts and checking them out on my snap story so he could see it. He was the first view for every vid that night.”
10. Who’s That Girl?
“While at a party, I yelled, ‘how’s Lauren?'(girl he tried dating after dumping me) while he was hooking up with Sarah (another girl he tried talking to after dumping me). Sarah slapped him and started making out with another guy in his face, then I made out with a guy in his face. I also made sure to have someone tell Lauren how he was a dick too.”
11. Truth Hurts
“I told everyone that he had a tiny bent pencil dick. I wasn’t lying.”
12. Beamer, Benz, or Bentley
“I dated a guy who lived in Long Island, and I refused to drive to his house when we were dating. But, when we broke up I made the nearly two hour drive in traffic to go fuck his best friend in a Bentley (like, the car). Also, his best friend was my friend’s ex… so that made it even more fucked up.”
13. Delivery’s Here
“My ex-boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere six months ago. A week later I realized his credit card is still on my Seamless account. I’ve had at least one free meal a week on him every week since.”
