7 Guys Every College Freshman Needs to Avoid Hooking Up With on Syllabus Week
If you spent your summer parading through The Hamptons and hooking up with every trust-fund baby in sight, go you.
But for the rest of us that probs spent the summer at our parents’ house, June, July, and August consisted of a serious sexual drought. Sure, there may have been the hometown hottie or questionable Tinder experience, but for the most part, you’re most excited to get to college to get back into your Thursday-Sunday routine of making out with randos.
But don’t let syllabus week and your unquenched libido convince you that it’s a good idea to hook up with these dudes, trust us.
1. Your Sexy Floor Mate
I know what you’re thinking, he was the first hottie you laid eyes on and he already kinda met your parents. Plus, there will be no walk of shame! Hold it right there. You may not have a walk of shame that morning, but you’ll have a walk of shame every time you walk into your building, into the dining hall, or into the quad and you see him. Especially once you stop hooking up, which will inevitably happen as it’s the first week of college and he’s prob looking to increase his sex number by at least ten in the coming semester.
2. Your RA
This is arguably even worse than hooking up with a floor mate, although could be slightly better as you won’t have to go through the next four years with him since he’ll probs graduate before you do. But although he seems “cool” and “older” than all the other guys you met at orientation, you’ll soon realize that there’s a special kind of dude that wants to voluntarily live in a freshman dorm as a junior, and it’s not a good type of special. If you’re going to start banging an older guy, at least fuck someone who doesn’t live in a residence hall.
3. The Cutie In Your Major
If your major is something like business, you can maybe get away with drunkenly fucking a couple of randos in your Econ 101 class. But if you have a smaller major, specifically one that involves lots of collaboration, steer clear of the dudes in your major. Sure, it seems like a bonding factor when he asks you your major on the wall of some packed house party and you realize you’re both music industry majors, but when you go home with him and puke in his bathroom and have to face him in class for the next four years? It’s not so grand. Not to mention he’s going to witness your full sweat pants and messy bun get-up for every Friday morning class.
4. The Frat Bro With The Hook-Up
Syllabus Week is like hunting season for Frat Bros, second only to sorority rush events. It seems chill that all the bros are hanging on their porches and formally-cat-calling you to invite you to their “banger” that night, but they do it to every girl that’s above a 6, sorry. You’ll def wanna hang on to his number for future “bangers,” but you don’t want to hook-up with him and ruin that connection by trying to date him only to realize he’s a douche-lord supreme.
5. The Fifth Year Senior
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re hot and great and all that jazz, but what is a 23 year old idiot doing trying to bang someone who might still be 18? If you’re a freshman and an older non-graduate is going for you, be flattered, but don’t be that flattered because you’re probs not the first freshman he’s tried to scam on and you definitely won’t be the last. Prove him wrong and show him that younger girls aren’t naive and kick his ass to the curb.
6. The TA
Among your super exciting small talk of your major, where you live on campus, and what year you are, it may not come up that the hottie you’re talking to is also a TA. Find out. ASAP. Do you really wanna leave his room at 8 am on a Friday morning only to see him looking much more sober in your 10 am class that day? I didn’t think so.
7. The Dude Who Works At The Gym
This may or may not be worse than accidentally hooking up with your TA. Seeing an ex-hookup in class will last one semester, but seeing an ex-hookup at the gym could be all year long if not longer. It’s bad enough going to the gym in college because you’re sweaty, tired, and run into every guy you’ve ever made-out with on the daily already. Don’t make it worse by hooking up with a dude who legit works there. At least hook up with a dude who works at a bar or a pizza place so you can get free shit!