6 Foolproof Ways to Avoid Giving Head
Unless you’re in that lucky percentage of women who enjoys giving head, you might dread the moment he hints his little friend needs some attention.
These are a few excuses that will help you skip third base and go straight to what you’ve been waiting for: a spoon and some pizza.
1. *COUGH, COUGH*
Casually scatter DayQuil or Halls cough drops around the bedroom. That way, when you tell him you feel like you’re getting tonsillitis, he is more likely to believe you. To make this excuse bullshit-proof, explain that risking it will potentially put you out of blow job business for at least a week and jeopardize any future careers in the field.
2. Playing The Victim
You tell him you’ve always felt SUPER insecure about your bone structure not being identical to Angelina Jolie’s and so you had to take drastic measures: you just got cheek fillers. Is it wrong to want to fix your imperfections?! *crocodile tears* So sorry but they will definitely deform if you use your cheek muscles within the next 48 hours. He might be cute. But he’s not $400+ cute.
3. Teeth… Need I Say More?
The mere mention of teeth should be enough to get out of it. But if he wants an explanation, you have one: teeth whitening. Bleaching your chompers doesn’t usually cause sensitivity afterward, but unlucky for you, you’re experiencing it right now. Anything near your teeth will just make it SO much worse and potentially give you a headache resulting in a moody girlfriend and we both know he wants to avoid that at ALL costs.
4. Inner Insecurity
He is definitely judging you on your blow job ability and if you’re not giving it your very best effort, because you don’t want to be giving it at all, then he probably isn’t satisfied. Why waste each other’s time? Why disappoint each other? Aren’t we all trying to avoid early couples counseling? Tell him the thought of giving bad head is giving you severe anxiety and you’re going to need time to get comfortable with the idea, most likely with your therapist.
5. Do A “Samantha”
Cum is probably the worst part of a BJ. Ever. Thankfully, Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones showed us how to deal if it doesn’t fit your taste buds. Show him you’re willing to make a deal: You will keep calm and carry on if he gives it a little taste as well. Hopefully he will say no and forever fear to ask you for a BJ for the rest of your super cute time together.
6. See Ya Never
Even though these excuses are bae, if he is really your bae, you should be honest and tell him that blow jobs are ONLY for special occasions such as a Leap Year or his birthday (but only ones that end in a multiple of five). If he can’t accept this I suggest telling him to fuck off and re-downloading Tinder.