8 Ways Guys Hide Their Boners
As a wise man once said, “random boners happen more often than you may think.”
Ever since you felt your eighth grade crush’s dick rub up against you at the school dance, you’ve probably been aware of the fact that boners pop up all the time, kind of like Pokémon Go or weeds.
Because guys are constantly horny, they get boners in places they shouldn’t, like a funeral or a business meeting or in the middle of the street on the way to a booty call. We talked to guys and scoured Reddit to find out how most guys hide their boners and you’re probs going to LOL about it.
1. The Classic Waistband
We’ve all heard of this one. I think I was introduced to the waistband trick in the seventh grade when I was “lucky” enough to be sat with a bunch of pre-teen fuckboys during gym class who couldn’t stop talking about sex.
It’s simple enough, instead of letting their big, hard boners fly free, guys tuck them upwards so that the head is facing up, and they allow their waistband (or just the waist of their pants, if they’re not teens who wear gym shorts on the reg), to hold the boner up where it’s hopefully concealed by a non-formfitting shirt.
2. The Bend And Snap
Just like Elle Woods would bend and snap to get the attention of a horny dude, seated guys turn their bodies into a zigzag shape to conceal their horniness. Here’s how: if a sitting down dude gets a chubster, he can pull his knees up to hide it. Simple and effective.
3. In My Pocket
Alright, this method sounded silly to me, but after asking a couple dudes this seems to be the new go-to boner concealment now that guys aren’t running around in gym shorts and sweatpants in their daily lives. All they do is push their dick to one side and put their hand in their pocket in attempts to cover it.
4. The Sweatshirt
It seems that many of these boner-hiding techniques revolve around bummy clothing. Perhaps the dude rocking sweatpants isn’t lazy and un-trendy, he simply gets constant boners and has a huge dick? Wishful thinking.
Either way, the sweatshirt tactic is similar to the pocket tactic, according to my boner-ific source, who says that you can “put your hands in the like, front pocket, and like, hold it down to cover.”
5. The Leech
Apparently compression shorts also fall into the boner-approved clothing category.
“If I was wearing compression shorts I could make it stay attached to the side of my leg,” says Patrick* of his boner.
6. The Pre-Meditated Boner
If a dude has quick reflexes, he can catch his boner before it gets out of hand.
“When it’s kinda getting hard you can push it down, like the opposite of flipping up into waistband. It will hit the bottom of your pants, but sometimes it helps stop it from being a full boner.”
This made no sense so we asked for further clarification, and he offered to draw us a lovely little diagram. On the lefthand side you can see the traditional waistband trick, and on the right you can see our man’s trick.
He claims that by not giving any space to his dick, it stops it from growing any further. This kind of sounds painful, but whatever works, right?
7. The Studious Tactic
If his pants aren’t working with him and/or he doesn’t feel like rearranging his nuts, some guys could go for the object path when covering their boner. The object of choice for most men seems to be some sort of book, which I suppose could work even though waist-level seems pretty low to hold a book that you’re reading.
If you’re really desperate, you could use the Bible like this dude from Reddit, because God’s always watching.
“I went to a conservative church through high school. Lemme tell you, church boners are the worst, mostly cuz you have to wear church clothes which are those really silky pants [uhh? what pants?]. At that point, I just used God’s good book to hide the boners. Jesus saved me from embarrassing church boners.” – Paper_Hero
8. The Yolo
Free the nipple is usually the subject of debate, but some dudes think we should free the boner. After all, it’s not like a guy’s sexual arousal or advances have ever made a girl feel uncomfortable before, right?
“Fuck that, I spend my entire life feeling ashamed of myself ‘not wanting to intrude.’ So I’m not hiding anything, I’m a dude, I have a dick, it gets erections, deal with it, half the population has it.” – merandom
Said like a true Reddit guy.