9 Uber Drivers Reveal The Dirtiest Secrets They’ve Heard While Driving
Uber drivers are kind of like less expensive therapists, at least when you’re drunk.
They’ve seen things they never wanted to see, like you and your BF sloppily making out at 3 am. They’ve heard things they never wanted to hear, like that one time you picked up your friend from a walk of shame and asked for details.
And honestly, after reading this Reddit thread of Uber confessions, we think that Uber drivers might not be getting paid enough. We picked the juiciest ones that won’t make you cry and listed them below.
1. Mid-Life Crisis
“Two middle aged couples trying to agree to a foursome.” – Cayhawt
2. Evil Or Genius?
“I picked up this young overly affectionate couple that spent the entire trip making out in my backseat and telling each other that they loved each other. Cute. So, I drop off the couple and head on my way to pick up my next fare. I hear a cellphone ring in my backseat, realize it’s my previous ride’s, and pick up the phone to let them know I have it and I’ll come back to drop it off. Turns out it was the guy’s wife phoning to check in on him while he was on a business trip, which he was thoroughly enjoying with his mistress. When I was going to drop off the phone I had planned to say, in front of him and his mistress: ‘your wife sounds like a lovely person.’ I approached him with the phone and he handed me a 100 [dollar bill]. I was completely caught off guard, so I thanked him and left…My plan totally fizzled.” – Anonymous
3. Secrets Are No Fun
“Happened to a friend of mine–He picked up these two girls, lets say Ashley and Emily, who were best friends going out to celebrate Emily’s birthday. They were supposed to be going out downtown, but once they were both in the car Emily said [she] was not in the mood and wanted to go back home. Ashley was pissed because she was trying to do something nice for her best friend, etc., and the two were in a screaming match in my friend’s car. He ended up dropping off Ashley first and on the way home Emily explained to him that she didn’t want to go out because she is pregnant and Ashley doesn’t know.” – hey—
4. Bro Gossip!
“Two dudes discussing how much fun they had at one of their bachelor parties. The fun consisted of ‘the most cocaine I’ve ever done’ and ‘I can’t believe I fucked a prostitute right before I got married’ – schoolisbelly
5. Wish This Was On Film
“Uber driver George is doing Uberpool one night in Austin where you pick up multiple people en route to the destination. First Girl #1 gets in the car alone and sits in the back seat on the passenger side. Then a couple (guy and girl) comes, and there’s not enough room for everyone in the back, so girl #2 sits behind the driver and guy sits up front. The two girls in the back start chatting and seem to be getting along well. Girl #1 asks what they’re doing tonight, and Girl #2 says, ‘oh, me and my boyfriend Josh are going out to celebrate. Josh works at X and just got a promotion.’ At this point, George notices Josh is crouching down in his seat and looking guilty. Then, Girl #1 says, ‘that’s funny, my boyfriend is also named Josh and works at X. I wonder if they know each other.’ Then Girl #2 starts tapping her boyfriend on the shoulder and bugging him to turn around to meet Girl #1. At some point, Josh can’t avoid the introduction any more, and is forced to turn around. He does so with a look of utter horror on his face, as it slowly dawns on both girls that they’re dating the same Josh. Anyway, both girls start screaming and kick Josh out of the Uber. Not sure what happened after that, but you can bet Josh never took Uberpool again.” – deathbynotsurprise
6. Daddy Dearest
“I drove a lot of college-aged girls that were looking for/had a sugar daddy. They wanted 30 year old men–no children, good job, willing to buy them lots of things/pay rent, bills. I had no idea this was so popular, but practically every girl that age that opened her mouth about a guy (in my car) went on about his age, job, and money. One girl even admitted to fucking someone with the same name and of the same age as her dad.” – RexMinimus
7. That’s Cute
“I picked up this one guy who told me all about his anal warts. Apparently, they were simply huge.” – Diarrhea_Jonez
8. A Little Role-play Never Hurt Nobody
“I picked up two guys in downtown LA. From their conversation, I gathered [that] they’d just met at the bar I picked them up from and were going home to hook up. One was younger and clean cut, the other was older and rather scruffy.
So, I’m driving up Main Street to the 101 and the scruffy guy starts talking about how he used to live there in the 90s and it was a whole lot scummier back then. He mentions he used to have an older boyfriend back then. The boyfriend would call the scruffy guy and tell him to walk down to the sidewalk in a tied off shirt and daisy dukes. Then the boyfriend would drive up in his car and the scruffy guy would lean in his window and the boyfriend would ask him how much, and the scruffy guy would get in and they’d role-play that he was a prostitute and the boyfriend was his [customer]. The clean cut guy kinda glossed over this and moved the conversation along, but I thought to myself that scenario sounds hot as hell.” – IAmTheShinyThing
9. Incest Win-cest?
“I was driving a couple of drunk friends and the one guy was lamenting [about] being in his dorm with this girl he thinks really wants him but he doesn’t know how to approach it. He says her smile and everything drives him crazy. He really wants to have sex with her, but he doesn’t know how to go about it because it could go all wrong.
He looks for confirmation in the green light by sharing his story. His best friend says, ‘It’s not that simple, you see. It’s his cousin. He wants to fuck his cousin and it’s going to be bad.’
[The first guy] explains that yes in fact, it’s his cousin. But, they grew up differently. She’s really hot, and he really wants her. And, it’s not actually as bad as it sounds because she’s a married in cousin–actually only like a half-cousin (I never even worried about trying to mind-bend how that would be possible or not).
I conclude that he’s probably going to have some bad days ahead of him at family reunions if he pushes forward. But, just for the Hell of it, encourage him to make the move. Maybe he gets laid?! By his cousin…” – BikiniATroll