They Literally Had to Shovel Poop on The Bachelor Last Night
Even among people like myself who willingly tune in to The Bachelor every week, it’s a known fact that it’s a garbage show.
I’m not here to dispute that.
In fact, The Bachelor isn’t here to dispute that either.
This week, Nick Viall, the grinning deusche-turd of a bachelor, took multiple women on a date where they literally had to shovel poop.
Then again, we should have seen this coming when the women got told their romance with Nick was about to take them on a tour around the world, but first they had to make a pit stop at Wisconsin.
What a boner killer!
What girl in her right mind who’s not from Wisconsin wants to go to Wisconsin?
All that diary, all the cheese, all that beer — it’s enough to make you gain the freshman 15 all over again.
And you know what?
All of the girls had shitty dates in Wisconsin — and not just the ones who literally had to shovel shit.
Nick’s first one-on-one date had to pretend to bake cookies with Nick’s face on them before “accidentally” running into one of his exes around town — could you believe she was just sitting there by the window when he happened to walk by with a camera crew — and then awkwardly having to hang out with her for the next five minutes.
Then, in the night’s big group date, Nick took the rest of these heavily glammed up women to a farm where they had to milk a cow — one of the contestants said “watching Nick handle those teats was discouraging” — and shovel poop.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And believe it or not, there was only one girl who was like, this is gross I can’t even, is this a joke?
It was Corinne.
This season’s 24-year-old villain who takes frequent naps, always has a glass of white wine in her hands, and DGAF about showing Nick her boobs.
When she called this “the worst date she’s ever been on,” I’ve never related to her more.
Corrine knows her self worth, and just like me, she loves sushi.
Believe it or not, I was actually eating sushi when she said that.
But that wasn’t even the end of the bad dates Nick had in store for these women!
As the piece de resistance, Nick took another girl on a one-on-one date to WATCH HIS 11-YEAR-OLD SISTER PLAY SOCCER, MEET HIS PARENTS, AND GO ROLLER SKATING WITH HIM.
That’s a middle school date!
Any self-respecting woman he met on the East or West Coast would have had their friend call them fifteen minutes into this nonsense with a fake emergency so they could get out of that hellhole.
Word to the wise, Nick — you need to start taking these ladies on better dates.
And you need to get rid of everybody who isn’t Corinne, because any woman who pretends to enjoy shoveling shit and watching the little sister of a man she hardly knows play soccer just because you told her to do it is a doormat masquerading as a woman.
Then again, maybe that’s exactly the quality you’re most looking for in a wife.
You wouldn’t be the first man.