Which new Ken doll is the last guy you dated?
In a move straight out of The Bachelorette, today Mattel introduced 15 new Ken dolls to Barbie’s universe and each and every one of them couldn’t resist waving their fuckboy flag high.
Just what Barbie needed.
While none of these Ken dolls are exactly marriage material, they will teach young boys and girls some of the fundamental truths about the “men” they’ll end up dating in their 20s.
They’re all cheap, have no personality to speak of, and only seems to own one cringe-worthy outfit. And no matter how many subtle hints you drop, the only way they’ll upgrade their style is if you literally go out and buy it for them with your own hard-earned money.
It’s never too early to learn the fundamental rules of dating, right?
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Distressed Denim Ken
He’s got long hair don’t care, and you know that’s not the only place where his hair is long, if you know what we mean.
But even though he’s the type of guy to comment when you’ve let your bush bloom, if you say anything that remotely sounds like a criticism of what he’s got going on down there, he’ll become a one-man pouty parade.
Let’s just say his denim isn’t the only thing distressed about this Ken.
Classic Cool Ken
Classic Cool Ken is a finance bro, and the only thing he likes more than getting that money is pounding that pussy into the pavement. High five!
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Preppy Check Ken
Pretty Ken is classic old money.
He spends his days playing tennis, shopping at Brooks Brothers, and getting so drunk that he can’t get it up for the rest of the night.
Proceed with extreme caution.
Chill Ken will spend $145 on a new pair of Warby Parker glasses and $429 on a new record player to play his vintage vinyl, but when it comes time to split the bill at the overpriced micro-brew beer garden you didn’t want to go to in the first place, he’ll insist you two split the check.
Hyped on Stripes Ken
Hyped Ken is the kind of guy you’ll date before a year before he breaks it off so he can focus on his career.
Plaid on Point Ken
Plaid on Point Ken’s pants are so tight that most of the time he can’t feel his face.
On second thought, it might not be the pants that are the problem. It’s probably the cocaine.
Camo Comeback Ken
Camo Ken 10/10 voted for Trump and then tried to lie about it to you.
Big dick or just a big dick, am I right ladies?
Checked Style Ken
Checked Style Ken is the kind of guy who’ll show up to a first date wearing Tevas.
Super Stripes Ken
Super Stripes Ken is a really nice guy and doesn’t seem like he’ll murder you in your sleep at all!!!!!!!!!
Cali Cool Ken
Cali Cool Ken describes himself as “chill bi-costal,” by which he means he’s between jobs right now, but is really chill from all the weed he smokes.
Cactus Cooler Ken
You met Cactus Cooler at a bar and you thought he was Until you stepped outside and realized how toe up he was. You told him you had to run into the bodega around the corner to grab an Advil, but then you bought yourself an Uber and ghosted on his ass.
Tropical Vibes Ken
Tropical Vibes Ken likes to wear fun festive shirts to distract you from how mind-numbingly boring and dumb he is.
Black & White Ken
Black & White Ken is a woke bae, okay. He doesn’t care if you’re black, he doesn’t care if you’re white, but he does care that you like his tweet about how if he has to see another guy pretend to be a feminist to get laid he’ll cut off his own balls!. JK he won’t do that. Don’t come for him, okay? Cuz he is not a fast runner.
Hip Hoodie Ken
Hip Hoodie Ken doesn’t care that it’s summer, he’s still going to wear his cutoff fleece jacket outside because his ex-girlfriend got it for him and he’s still not over her even though they broke up two years ago. He also won’t understand why you roll your eyes after he tells you that. He was just being honest. Don’t women appreciate honesty anymore?
Color Blocked Cool Ken
Color Blocked Cool Ken is one of those guys who tries so hard and still can’t seem to get anything right.
Let’s have a moment of silence for his future, shall we?