6 Gifts To Further Disappoint Your Dad This Father’s Day
If your dad is like my dad, he’s always disappointed. It’s never, “congrats on getting a 99% on your Chemistry exam,” It’s always “why didn’t you get a 100?”
When it comes to buying him a Father’s Day gift, it’s equally troubling. Half the time when he name drops what he wants, he ends up buying it for himself a few days prior to the actual holiday rather than waiting.
For a dad who’s constantly disappointed, might as well continue to disappoint him. Try one of these GREAT gifts this year.
1. A Boyfriend That You Call “Daddy”
Being called dad is an honorary title. I mean shit, that one little sperm of yours turned into a complete mess of a 22-year-old, congrats! The only thing that would make your dad happier than a new Porsche on Father’s Day would be for you to bring home your boyfriend Jay. Jay’s ten years older than you, he bartends at a pub on the weekends, and he has a tattoo of his deceased cat on his forearm. Oh, and you call him Daddy. So they’re like, twinsies!
2. Your One Phone Call From Jail
Instead of making it to the Father’s Day brunch 20 minute later and hungover like you usually would, take it up a notch this year and don’t show up at all. In fact, right when that brunch is scheduled to start, give your daddy (not your boyfriend, your actual dad) a call from jail and ask him to post your bail money.
3. A Positive Pregnancy Test
Okay, this won’t work if your dad is all, “You need to start popping out babies before I get Alzheimer’s.” Most dads, however, probably don’t want their 20-something-year-old daughter having a kid before she’s graduated college, progressed in her career, or stopped living off daddy’s credit card.
4. A Hand Drawn Card
Your dad loved that card you made him in your 1st grade class where you spelled his name wrong, didn’t he? Isn’t it still hanging in his office somewhere? Why not make him another one this year? You’re way too broke to buy him that stereo set he’s been eyeing, and your drawing (and spelling) skills probably haven’t progressed much since elementary school anyways.
5. An Eviction Notice
Just when he finally thought he got rid of you, you end up having a rager that causes your landlord to kick you the fuck out of your shitty apartment. Looks like you’re moving back in with your rents!
What better way to celebrate Father’s Day than by telling your dearest dad that you’ll be moving back into his basement and gracing him with your morning walks of shame and noisy late night trips to the fridge? He’s sure to be super excited that you’ll be spending so much quality time together.
6. A Video Tape Of Your “Real World” Audition
What father doesn’t want to see his little girl get drunk, have sex, and cry on one of the world’s most prestigious television channels? This will be a great way for your dad to learn about the real you. You know, when you’re not attending family function’s in your one appropriate dress and pretending you’re a virgin.