It doesn’t get more American than Jessica Simpson’s insane TBT GQ cover

Sorry to break it to you, but whatever fourth of July outfit you have planned this year PALES in comparison to Jessica Simpson’s peak patriotic getup from her 2005 GQ cover.


Because I said so. Now drop and give me 50.

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Behold, the glory of Jessica’s TBT GB cover:

Now let’s unpack the evidence, shall we?

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Camo pants artfully unbuttoned in such a way to make them look thotty? Check.
Fashion dogtags that probably don’t even have anything written on them? Check.
The casual juxtaposition of war and peace in a single frame? Mhmmm yes, I see that symbolism!

And just when you think you’ve seen it all, you notice that Jessica’s wearing an American flag bikini with the stripes going THE WRONG FUCKING WAY?

I mean, what does that even say about our country?!

Well, in the words of Will Ferrell, “no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.”

Only that’s not true in this case because Jessica’s flag bikini is actually about as provocative as that hipster your friend took home last week who has one million tattoos, but has parents who still pay the rent for his shitty loft.

The stripes are probably just going the wrong way so they look better on Jessica’s boobs.

But that’s part of what makes this outfit the most American thing ever. Because what’s more American than trying to make yourself look deeper and cooler than you really are, when in reality all you wanna do is make yourself look good?

So kudos, Jessica.

God bless America, or something.

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