Everything You Need To Know About Attending a Sex Party
Every time you get ready for a night out, you have questions, whether you ask them to your friends or yourself.
What should I wear? Are we going to pregame? Should we all meet up at my place first or meet there? Is anyone driving? Will that hot guy from work be there?
If you’ve ever wondered about sex parties, you probably have the same questions you have about regular parties, times 100. What are sex parties really like? Are you kicked out if you’re not DTF? Are you supposed to show up in lingerie and a collar?
We spoke with sex party goer and overall sexpert Scott Brown, founder of sexpressed.com, about the reality of sex parties. Turns out, aside from the people casually boning a foot away from you, sex parties aren’t that different from regular parties. Read on to find out the truth about sex parties, and what to expect if you’re planning on attending one.
What are the rules of sex parties? Do different parties have different rules? What happens if you break the rules?
A major rule across most sex parties is no “aggressive cruising.” That term means that you are continuing to pressure someone to talk to you or engage in sexual activity after they’ve already declined. Even though it is a sex party, it’s understood that you don’t actually have to have sex with anyone, touch anyone, or even speak to anyone. If you make someone uncomfortable, you are kicked out by the party directors. Being respectful of other people and their boundaries is really important at play parties. Aggressive behavior is not tolerated.
Another rule that is usually enforced at most sex parties is your standard buddy system. At places like Kinky Salon they call it the PAL system, which stands for Pervy Activity Liaison. The rule says you come with a buddy and you leave with a buddy. It’s keeps things in order because if you act up, both you and your PAL are kicked out. The hope is that you will be on your best behavior because of this.
Being thrown out of a party may not seem like all that much of a punishment, but you have to remember that the community for these parties is pretty small. If you’re kicked out of one party, it will be difficult for you to get into other parties because your name will spread around. That’s why when in doubt, don’t touch!
What’s the standard uniform of sex parties? Do people show up dressed and then undress, or what?
There is no standard uniform because each sex party takes on a different theme. Some are more casual and you come as you are, others are full on costume parties. There are parties where you are required to be naked to enter certain rooms, but you do not actually have to be nude to enter the venue. Undressing is at your discretion.
Predominantly, parties are themed with either a close-by holiday (Valentine’s Day, Halloween, etc.), time period (20’s and 80’s are very popular), or simply something wacky (candy colors, beach wear, etc.). Themes prevent the party from seeming boring or “normal” since everyone is dressed differently than they normally would.
Do people wear masks or hide their identities? Are there many high-profile guests?
Some people will elect to wear a mask or otherwise conceal their identities, but this is not usually necessary. There is universally no photography of any kind at pretty much every party. A lot of parties will have photobooths where you can elect to get your picture taken, but if anyone is caught taking pictures in the public party space they are immediately kicked out. This makes it so you can feel comfortable about showing your face and even using your real name with party guests.
Major high-profile parties will sometimes have high-profile guests. However, you can’t really trust the rumors you hear. That being said, I have been to a few parties with prominent stars of the adult film world in attendance, but that’s as high profile as I’ve ever seen.
Once you get to the sex party, what are the next steps? What can you usually expect?
Just like any other party, some people are mingling, others are dancing, and some are wallflowers. The biggest difference is that some people are having sex. Sex parties are actually a great place to make friends. You are not expected to walk in, immediately drop your pants, and give someone a blow job. You can have a drink and shoot the breeze too. I know of many people who go to parties every weekend, but never actually have sex with anyone. They just like the free, fun-loving atmosphere. They get hot and bothered at the party, and then go home to have sex privately. And that’s totally cool.
What are some of the craziest things you’ve seen occur at a sex party?
When you first start going to sex parties, everything seems crazy. The first time you see someone casually getting a blow job in the middle of the room or three people going at it in full view near the bar, you are astounded. After a few parties, that kind of thing becomes the norm. Once you get over that, nothing particularly crazy happens. You might see some intense sex or maybe a very large group all going at it together, but it’s very rare that I see something I’d consider “crazy.” Parties are filled with normal people who have the normal sex that you and everyone you know have, it’s just that at the parties, they’re doing it with other people watching.
How did you start getting invited to/involved with sex parties?
The first party I went to I found simply by Googling parties near me. I filled out the online application, paid my ticket fee, and I was in. There are some “secret” or “elite” parties out there for sure, but most can be easily attended by pretty much anyone as long as you’re not morbidly obese or 90 years old (and, truth be told, there are parties for those particular groups as well). You just have to go through the process of applying and buying your ticket.
The more parties I went to and the more people I met, the more I realized how small the community is. If you go to three different parties in one city, you are guaranteed to see someone at one party that you saw at another. Before you know it, you know all sorts of people and they are telling you which parties they thought were great and which ones they didn’t like so much.
How do sex parties differ from each other?
Since the party community is so small, the only way you can be successful is if your party is different in some way from the other established parties. This results in parties that are subtly or even dramatically different from one another. A party I attended last weekend was much more akin to a rave: easily 200 people crammed into a space with loud EDM music, colorful outfits, and lots of drugs. Another party I go to regularly is more like an event, with performances by dancers, singers, or performance artists, with less of a dance party atmosphere and more like a loft cocktail party. Then yet another party is more like your Eyes Wide Shut fantasy, with masks and fancy outfits and fancy dresses. There really is something for everyone.
Do certain parties specialize in certain fetishes or clientele?
Yes. If you’re a BBW [big beautiful woman], there’s a party that caters specifically to BBW’s. If you’re a gay man, there are parties for gay men. If you’re a wealthy and attractive hetero couple, there’s a party specifically for you, too. However, kink parties usually differ from sex parties in that there is no sex. Yes, people will be naked and getting tied up or flogged or whatever, but most kink parties look down on actual sex happening. I have no idea why this is, I don’t really go to kink parties for that specific reason.
Do most people go with a partner or with friends, or do they go alone?
Unless your party is exclusively for gay men, pretty much no party allows single men to enter. If a man wants to go to a party he must be accompanied by a woman, whether that woman is his wife, his girlfriend, or just a fuck buddy. Some men will hire escorts to get them into parties. Single women, however, are GOLD at parties. If you’re a single woman and you show up to a party alone, you will be cruised by pretty much everyone because most party attendees are looking to have a threesome with another woman, and if she’s there without a man it will make it less awkward for them to not have to say, “We want her, not you.” Very rarely do I see a woman show up to a party alone, but when it does happen she’s in for a wild time.