The Best Shampoos & Conditioners for Overprocessed Blondes
We all know conservatives like their female pundits as skinny and blonde as possible.
But I couldn’t help but notice recently that conservative blondes are in need of some serious guidance when it comes to their color.
I mean, just look at any Fox News anchor or viral millennial conservative sensation — their GOP-friendly follicles are FRIED. It almost makes you feel bad for them. I mean, cable is in HD now. Everyone can see their chicken-soup-colored highlights. The jig is up.
That’s why, as a liberal-leaning blonde who wants to make the world a better place, I’m here to help. If your hair looks more like Kellyanne Conway’s than Gwen Stefani’s, have no fear, you can rehabilitate it. You don’t have to look like a cable news casualty! (Boho chic lefties who think their “rooty” dye jobs look good/natural: I’ll tackle you another day.)
Now, the golden rule of blonde shampooing, as color queen Cherin Choi once told me, is this: one type of shampoo & conditioner isn’t enough. Blondes have two dire needs, which cannot be met by a single shampoo/conditioner pairing: hydration and tone.
If you don’t tone your hair, it’ll turn yellow. But if you only tone your hair, it’ll get brittle and gross. That’s why you need to alternate your shampoo and conditioner — hydrate one wash, tone the next. Nobody said being blonde was easy.
So I’ve assembled a list of the best shampoos and conditioners for blondes, broken into two categories. Pick one from each and alternate them if you want your blonde hair to look less like Tomi Lahren’s and more like Megyn Kelly’s.
Speaking of Megyn, homegirl is leaving conservative Fox News for the more left-leaning NBC, and what do you know? Her hair’s tone looks better than ever. She’s a veritable ice queen after years and years of pasta mop syndrome. Coincidence? I think not.
And yes, these options mostly pretty pricey, but we’ve been over this. When it comes to shampoo and conditioner, you get what you pay for. Skimp on mascara and eyeliner, not shampoo. Here are my recommendations for making sure you don’t fall prey to Ann Coulter hair.
Hydration is important for anyone whose hair is processed often, whether by dye, bleach, or chemical relaxers. Unless you’re rocking your virgin hair, which let’s be honest, you’re probably not, you are likely in need of hydration so your hair doesn’t appear strawlike.
Kérastase Bain Chroma Riche, $41, & Masque Chroma Riche, $63
I just started using this shampoo and hair mask duo, and it changed my hair for the better after just one use. It’s intended for anyone with dyed or over-processed hair, not just blondes. I was worried that would make it less effective for dealing with my bleached strands, but no — it’s amazing. My hair is almost silky now. If you buy it, though, make sure you towel-dry your hair between steps. Instead of a conditioner, the second step is a hair masque with slightly different rules than conditioner. This might sound weird, but it’s totally worth it.
Oribe Shampoo for Beautiful Color, $42, and Conditioner for Beautiful Color, $44
Anything by Oribe is worth a shot. Their products are super concentrated so they last forever. They also smell better than anything on this earth, so you might have to lock yours up between uses so no one steals it. This shampoo and conditioner will leave your hair feeling soooo soft.
Bumble & Bumble Quenching Shampoo, $31, and Quenching Conditioner, $34
At about $30 a pop and available in even cheaper travel sizes, Bumble & Bumble is the best option if you’re trying to ease yourself into the pricey-shampoo game. Bumble is a true stalwart — it’s been keeping my hair smooth since like ’06. It’s also available at Sephora, so you really have no excuse not to give it a shot.
As previously discussed, if you don’t use purple or silver toning shampoo and conditioner at least once a week, your hair will become “brassy,” a hairdresser-invented word that actually means “putridly yellow.” Poorly toned hair not only looks cheap and more damaged, but can also be really aging. Forward this half of the list to your yellow-haired cousin in middle America who thinks Ivanka Trump is the second coming of Jackie O.
Oribe Bright Blonde Shampoo, $44, and Bright Blonde Conditioner, $46
You can’t see from the pic, but this shampoo is so gloriously purple. It’s like in the OG “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” when that annoying girl eats the wrong candy and everyone’s like, “You’re turning violet, Violet!” Except it doesn’t turn your hair violet, it turns your hair the perfect icy shade of platinum. And like the aforementioned Oribe products, it smells divine.
L’Oreal Brass Banisher Shampoo, $7.99, & Brass Banisher Conditioner, $7.99
This is the cheapest set on the list, but it’s actually the one I’m using right now. It works really well and it’s sulfate-free, so at least it’s better than most drug store shampoo and conditioner. I upgraded to this after I bought the cheapest possible purple shampoo at CVS for something like $2.99. This L’Oreal stuff is much better.
Davines Alchemic Silver Conditioner, $34.99
Now this stuff is probably the most legit of all, because the aforementioned Mizz Choi recommended it to me. You just leave it on your hair for five minutes and boom, no more brass.
So those are my recommendations. Go forth and color-correct your damn highlights because the Republicans are controlling enough in 2017 without also setting the bar for dye jobs.