The Season Premiere of Girls Reminded Us Why Hooking Up on a Beach Is the Worst
Last night, “Girls,” everybody’s favorite show to take a dump on, had its season premiere. And just about the only thing the episode did right was to show that hooking up on the beach is kind of the worst.
Even though I agree with the general consensus that Lena Dunham is the worst, I like “Girls.” Call me the spawn of satan, but I genuinely think watching privileged Brookyln twenty-somethings try and out-do each other to be the most self-absorbed, stereotypical millennial POS in the room is hilarious.
Maybe I’ve just lived in Brooklyn too long.
But last night’s episode was light on the self-effacing humor and heavy on showing that even though everything’s changed since the end of season 5 for these characters, nothing has changed.
Shocker.
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Jessa and Adam are still DGAF about rubbing their relationship in people’s faces, Marnie’s still treating Ray’s heart like monkey meat, Shoshanna’s still miraculously not annoying, and Hannah will still sleep with anybody so she can get a story out of it.
This time, the honor belongs to a super chill surf instructor with an inexplicable patch of lower back hair.
What a winner.
On a mission to write an expose on a surf camp that’s been overrun with rich, white women hell bent on appropriating surf culture, Hannah quickly realizes the story wasn’t about the camp at all, but the guy she met when she wasn’t expecting to.
Just like your own female friends who flirt with a literary career, the only thing Hannah seems to know how to write about is her love life.
While this move will probably end up pissing off her editor when Hannah turns in her first draft, she’s too busy getting super awkward action to care.
And it doesn’t get much more awkward then when Hannah and surf boy hook up on the beach — a scene that’s so real it’ll probably give you flashbacks.
He licks her eyelid and her eye gets inflamed with salt water, then he tries to stuff half his hand in her mouth and she gets sand in her mouth and has to stop making out for a hot second to spit into the wind.
Truly the stuff of great romance.
Of course, like any single girl desperate to make a relationship/any relationship stick, Hannah chooses to focus on the positives and aggressively pursue him.
Unlike her exes, surfer dude isn’t sexually perverse, a republican, or so boring you want to fall asleep just looking at him.
Only, just like every guy you wind up sleeping with when you’re eager to find love, he turns out to have a huge, deal-breaking flaw.
When Hannah turns to surfer dude in bed and tells him she’s thinking of renting a place in town so they can get to know each other better and see where things go, he’s all like, chill, then you can meet my girlfriend.
Surprise surprise, chill surf dude is an open relationship.
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Hannah spends the rest of the episode pretending like that doesn’t bother her, but when the camera closes in on her face right before the credits roll, his hands may be around her body, but her face says it all.
She can’t fake it anymore.
What will happen with them next?
Honestly, who cares.
Just like Orange is the New Black, the most interesting part of Girls isn’t what happens to the self-absorbed main character, but how everybody else deals with the bad decisions they’re imprisoned by.
Plus, they already did this episode in season 2 with Patrick Wilson.
Everybody agrees it’s one of the show’s best episodes, so why waste one of your last remaining episodes doing a second-rate version of it?
If Girls wants to end on a high note, let’s hope the rest of the season finds some new ground to tread, or at least spends 90% less time on Hannah.
