These Drunks Who Accidentally Floated to Canada Win Summer ’16
Giant novelty floats are hot right now — we all know this.
They’ve been hot ever since Taylor Swift debuted her doomed relationship to Calvin Harris on a swan float and a year later, Rihanna drunkenly fell off a swan float but managed to save her wine.
Giant novelty floats are so hot, in fact, that you and your friends might have sprinkled a few of the monstrosities across someone’s parents’ pool just to make your day-drinking Instagram pics look a little more aspirational.
But a group of about 1,500 midwestern heroes outdid you today, and they did it by drunkenly floating across Lake Huron into Canada on their giant swans and inner tubes.
It was all part of an event called the “Port Huron Float Down,” CBC news reports. And no one will flat-out say that everyone involved was wasted, but let’s look at the facts.
“The people who take part in this are not mariners,” Canadian Coast Guard member Peter Garapick said. “They don’t look at the wind, the weather and the waves. We knew from the get-go, the winds were going to cause a problem. There’s no question they were involuntarily coming to Canada.”
Now I ask you: who goes to Canada involuntarily besides drug mules and wasted Americans?
The proof is in Garapick’s follow-up quote:
“There were people in places you’d never think something would float, but there were Americans everywhere.”
There were Americans everywhere. These are the words of a terrified man who’s just been confronted by a passel of midwestern frat guys chanting nonsensical things as they’re being rescued by a foreign country’s Coast Guard.
I mean, look at this video. Make sure you get all the way to the end when the shirtless guy yells, “I got da cheese balls! Heh heh heh.”
Anyway, there’s no question that even though we still technically have two weekends left of summer, the Port Huron Float Down crew turned up like no one else. Good job, guys, we’re all proud of you.
Also, the Port Huron Float Down looks fun af and might have cured me of the fear of the midwest that “Making a Murderer” instilled in me.
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