Ok, Let’s Talk About Bruno Mars

Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in ViceThe Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld

Well that SuperBowl game was pathetic. Honestly for once I didn’t feel bad about not knowing what was going on in a football game because nothing was going on. The Halftime Show was by far the most exciting part of the entire game, with a joint performance with Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah. Bruno Mars, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Ok so first of all I am convinced that Bruno Mars is a time traveler. Let’s be real here, the guy was literally preserved in an ice coffin and reemerged into the world a few years ago right? Who is he? The hair, the suits, the incessant doo-wop thing that makes me feel nostalgic for a decade I didn’t even belong to. I’m not going to lie, I felt confused watching him bounce up and down next to Anthony Kiedis like a Neematoad. What decade am I looking at right now? Also is anyone going to comment on this musical pairing? No? Nobody? Alright then.

Look I have nothing against Bruno Mars. I think he has a great voice, I love his metallic blazers, his hairdo is fun. But like, what’s his deal? He starts out the show on the drums and I’ll admit that was awesome. Then he goes into “Locked Out of Heaven” a song that I coincidentally enough imagine to be blasting in hell for all of eternity. In 2013, Mars told GQ that singing that song was sexy and that “Sex is a great party starter.” We get it Bruno, a year later and you’re still starting the party with the same song.

Then “Treasure” comes on and it’s good and even some Bronco fans are dancing. Then the Red Hot Chili Peppers come out and everyone screams and then I blink and—surprise—it’s back to Bruno standing alone under a spotlight. HELLO? This joint performance was already weird and it also didn’t really happen. Who did Bruno threaten with a machete to get three songs while the Chili Peppers only got one? So pissed.

I will say that despite my confusion that show was the only interesting thing about this heinous football game. And at the end of the day I get it, Bruno Mars is a cool guy. He’s kind of a badass who gets busted for coke and at the same time he looks like a cute little Milk Dud. Bruno Mars is mainstream pop personified; cute, energetic, a little coked out, and a couple of steps, or decades, behind where we’re meant to be.

Gimme More POP

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