MTV Spring Break Was the Least Sexy Experience I Ever Had

There are two things that every college kid goes on spring break in Cancun to do. One is to get drunk, the other is to get laid.

And I’m not just talking about frat bros, or dudes in general, I’m talking about women too. Sure, guys may be dreaming of banging five different babes who don’t speak English and never hearing from them whereas girls dream of having a toned and tan vacation boyfriend for a week, but let’s not get too into details here.

Unfortunately, taking a trip to Cancun on spring break is going to rip those sensual tropical dreams away from you and make you want to sew your vag shut for the entire trip. I know because I went there.

Like any naive college sophomore, I dreamed of a tropical paradise where I could prance around in a wedgie bikini, have endless piña coladas, and ask hot shirtless guys to rub tanning oil into my back — but Cancun was a lot less sexy and a lot more ratchet. It was kind of like one of those “lit” Vegas pool parties that involve warm bath water and unsanitary pool hookups, but worse.

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After blacking out for the first six hours after arriving, my girlfriends and I realized that the Grand Oasis Cancun (the location where MTV hosted Spring Break that year) was a cesspool of thirsty, sunburnt dudes who were so desperate to hookup with a rando on spring break that you could smell it from their Hollister flip-flops.

From the way guys creepily stared at us, hollered at us, and catcalled us from the damn breakfast buffet, you’d think we were the only girls on the island and that these guys hadn’t gotten laid in 20 years (which may have been true for some, TBH).

You may be reading this and be thinking, “Who does this girl think she is? All high and mighty acting like she’s too good for some spring break D?” I can assure you that I’m not. In all honesty, I’ve been down for a vacay hookup ever since I had my first kiss at age 11. I’m also not saying that my friends and I were just so beautiful and happened to get creeped on extra hard by every dude there.

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Quite the opposite, actually. Between rolling up to breakfast without makeup in men’s tank tops, being drunk messes all day long, and getting food poisoning multiple times throughout the trip, there’s no pretending we were the Plastics of Cancun. The guys would clearly pursue (heavily) any girl who had a heartbeat.

The one time I almost entertained a hook-up was midday while drunkenly stumbling from the water back to my friends’ beach chairs. Some hot guy who hardly spoke English called me over and I went to say hello. Before I knew it, we were back in his hotel room (conveniently located about 10 feet from the beach), and he was inviting me to take a shower with him. Even in my rum-fueled state, I had to give that a hard pass.

If men who join fraternities are more than 3x likely to rape, I can only imagine what the stats would be like on the types of dudes who visit Cancun for MTV Spring Break. Thankfully, my girlfriends and I had flown to Cancun with a group of guys from our college (who were on the wrestling team, no less), and had them to ward off the creepers.

Was spring breaking with MTV fun? Sure. Would I do it again? You probably couldn’t pay me to. Well, okay, maybe you could pay me, but I would never spend my own money on that again. But, if your idea of paradise is getting hit on at breakfast and watching girls twerk onstage in their bikinis, boy do I have a spot for you!

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